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Freedom Gilda Zelin My daughter made an interesting comment while we were waiting for the Fourth of July parade to begin. She said I was a “free agent,” meaning that I could come and go whenever I wanted to. That evening, I started to think about being a free agent, and how it really concerned me. I couldn’t get the idea out of my head. Am I free—free from what? Am I free to stay cozy in bed every morning and arise to start the day whenever I am ready? Then why do I have such restless nights and wake at the crack of dawn looking to snuggle, finding no one there, and rolling out of bed to start another long day? Am I free from the responsibility of washing, cooking, shopping, and taking care of another person—in exchange for sitting around a lonely house, making plans a week in advance so that every day is occupied? Am I free because I can do anything on a whim, anything I care to, without consulting the opinion of another person? Am I free to hold the television clicker and change the station whenever I want? Then why, when it’s not in use, do I hand it back to the blue chair? Am I free to dress the way I want because you are not there to say, “How beautiful you are in my eyes”? Am I free to put the heat up whenever I want and not worry that someone will turn it down? Then why have I suddenly become so conscious of conservation ? Are my clothes free as they cycle their way through the washer and dryer, no longer bothered by the extra-tall, large size clothing they had to tumble with? Do they feel free in a unisex environment? 269 270 the widows’ handbook Am I free, or has the rhythm of my life changed? My hours have changed in order to accommodate my friends, the single women and married women who have other responsibilities. In order to meet with anyone, I am using hours I never scheduled when my sweetie was alive. Does this make me freer, or am I just entering another life rhythm, and only appear to be a free agent? Since your death, I have had to make many choices, cope with many problems. Notwithstanding all of this, my biggest effort will be to encompass the problem of how to change the rhythm of my life while still holding on to you, sweetie. Am I free? The only thing I am free from is you, my darling, and as a free agent I must learn to live with what it really means to be free…and alone. ...

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