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Epilogue
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epilogue | 271 Epilogue T woweekslaterdressedinmygreensIsatinmytruckoutside thepersonnelofficeatFortMeade.Itwasmyretirementdayand thefinaltimetowearmygreens.Sincemyreturnthelastday ofMarch,Ihadout-processedDIAandthenthearmy.RickMoore atheadquartershandedmearetirementaward,andweshookhands. ThatwasmygoodbyefromDIA.Itookaretirementphysical,andthe doctornotedmybloodpressurewashigh.Heaskedwhatwasgoing oninmylife,andIsaid,“Ijustcamebackfromthirtymonthsin ZaireandRwanda.Iamfacingadivorce.AndIamretiringfromthe armynextweek.”At0900onthesixteenthofApril,1996,Iwalked in,signedthepapers,andwalkedout.Theonlybandplayingwasthe musicinsidemyhead.Mytwentyyearsofactivedutyweredone.I wasnowacivilian.IheadedbacktoTexas. ItwasallverysurrealtobebackintheStatesandoutofthearmy. Ifoundmyselfveryrestlessbutatthesametimealmostlistless.I workedoutandwalked.IjumpedontheInternetinabigway.One dayIwasheadedtoDallastoseeafriend,andoncedonethereIjust keptgoing.IcalledhomeandtoldmymotherIhad“gonewalkabout.” IstoppedinLeavenworthtoseeRogerSpillerandtheguys.Ishared someofmyexperiencesbutnotall.ThenextmorningIheadedwest toMickey’splaceinIdaho. TheMicklookedhappy.ButIthinkhiswifethoughtIwasthereto recruithimforsomeoverseaswork.SherelaxedwhensherealizedI wasjustsayinghello.MickeyandIwenttohislocalshootingclub, andIwatchedhiminaWesternblackpowdershoot.Hehadgotten hisdreambikebutlackedthemoneytogettheinsurance.Hehad savedhissparecashtopaymebackforaphonebillIhadcovered.I justtoldhimtoputthemoneyonhisinsuranceandtotakethewife foraride.Again,therestlessurgemademeleave,andIdroveout.Three weeksandseventhousandmileslaterIwasbackinsoutheastTexas. ItwasthenImet“theBeast,”asIcametorefertomyboutswith depression.TheBeastcouldcomeatanytimedayornightandtakeme frommyself.AfterGoma,GeneralHugheshadpraisedmeforhelping 272 | epilogue savethousandsoflives.Butdidtheyreallydeservesalvation?Would Ihavebeenhappiertoseethatvolcanoblowandeliminatethem?It iseasytosaysuchquestionswerenotminetodecide.Itisharderto removethosequestionsandtheassociatedimagesfromone’smind. Thingswouldjustsortofslideintoadarkpitandtakemewiththem. SometimesIwouldjuststartcryingandnotknowwhy;thenighttime versionofthiswastowakeupscreaming.Thenthekaleidoscopeof horrorswouldplaybeforemyeyes.Iwouldseethebodiesstacked alongtheroadsinGoma.Ireplayedtimeandtimeagainthelittlegirl dyingunderthatvehicleinKibumbacamp.Iwatchedthemachete disembowelthesuspectedspyinfrontofourtruck.Icouldsmellthe copperybloodandthestenchofdecayatNtaramaChurch.Iheard thefliesswarmaroundmyheadasIlookedinsidethatfirsttime.I walkedKibehocamp,steppingontheoldmanwhosecorpsegasped atmytread.IcrossedIwawaIslandagain,thistimeexpectingtofeel amineripmeapart.ThenusuallyIwouldgobacktosleep. TheBeaststayedwithmeformonths,andIstayedtomyself. FinallyIbrokefree,resumedskydivingasahobbyafteraseventeenyear hiatus,andmovedtoFlorida.Thenextyearmyshoulderinjury fromKibehocaughtupwithmeinfreefallatninethousandfeet.It dislocatedandsentmeintoaspinuntilseventhousandfeetwhen Iputitbackinanddeployedmychute.Ihadtwooperationsonthe shoulderandathirdonanankleinjuredinmy82ddays.Myskydiving dayswereagainover,thistimeforgood. EventsdidnotstopinRwanda.Inlate1996withRickOrthon...