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epilogue฀ ฀ |฀ ฀ 271 Epilogue T wo฀weeks฀later฀dressed฀in฀my฀greens฀I฀sat฀in฀my฀truck฀outside฀ ฀ the฀personnel฀office฀at฀Fort฀Meade.฀It฀was฀my฀retirement฀day฀and฀ ฀ the฀final฀time฀to฀wear฀my฀greens.฀Since฀my฀return฀the฀last฀day฀ of฀March,฀I฀had฀out-processed฀DIA฀and฀then฀the฀army.฀Rick฀Moore฀ at฀headquarters฀handed฀me฀a฀retirement฀award,฀and฀we฀shook฀hands.฀ That฀was฀my฀goodbye฀from฀DIA.฀I฀took฀a฀retirement฀physical,฀and฀the฀ doctor฀noted฀my฀blood฀pressure฀was฀high.฀He฀asked฀what฀was฀going฀ on฀in฀my฀life,฀and฀I฀said,฀“I฀just฀came฀back฀from฀thirty฀months฀in฀ Zaire฀and฀Rwanda.฀I฀am฀facing฀a฀divorce.฀And฀I฀am฀retiring฀from฀the฀ army฀next฀week.”฀At฀0900฀on฀the฀sixteenth฀of฀April,฀1996,฀I฀walked฀ in,฀signed฀the฀papers,฀and฀walked฀out.฀The฀only฀band฀playing฀was฀the฀ music฀inside฀my฀head.฀My฀twenty฀years฀of฀active฀duty฀were฀done.฀I฀ was฀now฀a฀civilian.฀I฀headed฀back฀to฀Texas. ฀ It฀was฀all฀very฀surreal฀to฀be฀back฀in฀the฀States฀and฀out฀of฀the฀army.฀ I฀found฀myself฀very฀restless฀but฀at฀the฀same฀time฀almost฀listless.฀I฀ worked฀out฀and฀walked.฀I฀jumped฀on฀the฀Internet฀in฀a฀big฀way.฀One฀ day฀I฀was฀headed฀to฀Dallas฀to฀see฀a฀friend,฀and฀once฀done฀there฀I฀just฀ kept฀going.฀I฀called฀home฀and฀told฀my฀mother฀I฀had฀“gone฀walkabout.”฀ I฀stopped฀in฀Leavenworth฀to฀see฀Roger฀Spiller฀and฀the฀guys.฀I฀shared฀ some฀of฀my฀experiences฀but฀not฀all.฀The฀next฀morning฀I฀headed฀west฀ to฀Mickey’s฀place฀in฀Idaho. ฀ The฀Mick฀looked฀happy.฀But฀I฀think฀his฀wife฀thought฀I฀was฀there฀to฀ recruit฀him฀for฀some฀overseas฀work.฀She฀relaxed฀when฀she฀realized฀I฀ was฀just฀saying฀hello.฀Mickey฀and฀I฀went฀to฀his฀local฀shooting฀club,฀ and฀I฀watched฀him฀in฀a฀Western฀black฀powder฀shoot.฀He฀had฀gotten฀ his฀dream฀bike฀but฀lacked฀the฀money฀to฀get฀the฀insurance.฀He฀had฀ saved฀his฀spare฀cash฀to฀pay฀me฀back฀for฀a฀phone฀bill฀I฀had฀covered.฀I฀ just฀told฀him฀to฀put฀the฀money฀on฀his฀insurance฀and฀to฀take฀the฀wife฀ for฀a฀ride.฀Again,฀the฀restless฀urge฀made฀me฀leave,฀and฀I฀drove฀out.฀Three฀ weeks฀and฀seven฀thousand฀miles฀later฀I฀was฀back฀in฀southeast฀Texas. ฀ It฀was฀then฀I฀met฀“the฀Beast,”฀as฀I฀came฀to฀refer฀to฀my฀bouts฀with฀ depression.฀The฀Beast฀could฀come฀at฀anytime฀day฀or฀night฀and฀take฀me฀ from฀myself.฀After฀Goma,฀General฀Hughes฀had฀praised฀me฀for฀helping฀ 272฀ |฀฀ epilogue save฀thousands฀of฀lives.฀But฀did฀they฀really฀deserve฀salvation?฀Would฀ I฀have฀been฀happier฀to฀see฀that฀volcano฀blow฀and฀eliminate฀them?฀It฀ is฀easy฀to฀say฀such฀questions฀were฀not฀mine฀to฀decide.฀It฀is฀harder฀to฀ remove฀those฀questions฀and฀the฀associated฀images฀from฀one’s฀mind.฀ Things฀would฀just฀sort฀of฀slide฀into฀a฀dark฀pit฀and฀take฀me฀with฀them.฀ Sometimes฀I฀would฀just฀start฀crying฀and฀not฀know฀why;฀the฀nighttime฀ version฀of฀this฀was฀to฀wake฀up฀screaming.฀Then฀the฀kaleidoscope฀of฀ horrors฀would฀play฀before฀my฀eyes.฀I฀would฀see฀the฀bodies฀stacked฀ along฀the฀roads฀in฀Goma.฀I฀replayed฀time฀and฀time฀again฀the฀little฀girl฀ dying฀under฀that฀vehicle฀in฀Kibumba฀camp.฀I฀watched฀the฀machete฀ disembowel฀the฀suspected฀spy฀in฀front฀of฀our฀truck.฀I฀could฀smell฀the฀ coppery฀blood฀and฀the฀stench฀of฀decay฀at฀Ntarama฀Church.฀I฀heard฀ the฀flies฀swarm฀around฀my฀head฀as฀I฀looked฀inside฀that฀first฀time.฀I฀ walked฀Kibeho฀camp,฀stepping฀on฀the฀old฀man฀whose฀corpse฀gasped฀ at฀my฀tread.฀I฀crossed฀Iwawa฀Island฀again,฀this฀time฀expecting฀to฀feel฀ a฀mine฀rip฀me฀apart.฀Then฀usually฀I฀would฀go฀back฀to฀sleep. ฀ The฀Beast฀stayed฀with฀me฀for฀months,฀and฀I฀stayed฀to฀myself.฀ Finally฀I฀broke฀free,฀resumed฀skydiving฀as฀a฀hobby฀after฀a฀seventeenyear ฀hiatus,฀and฀moved฀to฀Florida.฀The฀next฀year฀my฀shoulder฀injury฀ from฀Kibeho฀caught฀up฀with฀me฀in฀freefall฀at฀nine฀thousand฀feet.฀It฀ dislocated฀and฀sent฀me฀into฀a฀spin฀until฀seven฀thousand฀feet฀when฀ I฀put฀it฀back฀in฀and฀deployed฀my฀chute.฀I฀had฀two฀operations฀on฀the฀ shoulder฀and฀a฀third฀on฀an฀ankle฀injured฀in฀my฀82d฀days.฀My฀skydiving ฀days฀were฀again฀over,฀this฀time฀for฀good. ฀ Events฀did฀not฀stop฀in฀Rwanda.฀In฀late฀1996฀with฀Rick฀Orth฀on...

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