The Adventures of Ibn Opcit

Scene 2. Air Force 1½

62 Scene 2. Air Force 1½ Players Nakumbo Ish Opcit Spillman Sponneker, Vice President USA An improvised banquet hall. Idi is preparing to host the Inaugural Lunch. Idi Not there, you idiots. I want the table here. Let the band play there. Let the food be served from over here. (Enter Ish and Ibn under guard.) Come in, come in. You two are forgiven. How fortunate, Miss Ish, that I am not one to dwell on grievances. The days of countenance and sweating are over, the need to be seen has become paramount. (Gesturing to the smorgasbord.) The pizza has found its place in the American diet. The grapefruit has not. Ish May I quote you on that? Idi There is work to be done, and you each have a part. Today, Miss Ish, is my Inaugural, and I am in countdown fever for the festivities. I want you to call in the cameras of CNN. I want the world to witness this Inaugural! To an angry Army drummer band beat the parade begins. On a horse named Burning Hills I will lead like Heraldry down Independence Rue, 63 thence by the Avenue of the Justified to meet up with elements of our Armored Cav. Behind will be a grand procession marked by ululation, echolalia, glossolalia. (Be sure to salute when the gondolas go by.) Then tom-toms will amble with the beat of speak and I will deliver my Inaugural Address. It will, I assure you, be a moment knee-weakening in excitement and enervation. As coda to the entire affair, I am commissioning an Inaugural Poem from our Poet Lariat. (Points to Opcit.) Ish You mean “Poet Laureate”? Idi I mean Poet Lariat. If Ibn Apeshit here does not come through he’ll wind up back at the end of my hangman’s noose. But you won’t fail me. You wouldn’t show me such ingratitude. Ibn I am grateful for many things. I have not had my ears cut off. Nor my nose. I have not had a hot poker inserted up my ass. Idi Early days, my poet friend, early days. Ibn (Poetry is hostage to almost everything.) Idi But there is more. I’ve saved the best for last. We are expecting a Most Distinguished Visitor to grace our celebrations, none other than the President— of the U.S. of A. himself! Not every day 64 does a fledgling African republic receive such recognition. He is en route now. I of course will host the welcome banquet. You, Miss Ish, will record this meeting for history. You’ll chronicle my encounters with the great, admire my suave and diplomatic feats, the distillation of comradeship into acts of State. And you, Apeshit, shall be . . . my Fellows the Butler. The wine steward. Ibn (They also wait who only stand to serve.) (Sounds of a heavy aircraft landing.) Idi Zounds, that’s him. Strike up the band! (The band strikes up “Hail to the Chief.” Enter Spillman Sponneker, Vice President of the United States.) Welcome . . . Mr. President? May I say you look somewhat younger than your photographs? Veep And more handsome, I hope. I am Spillman Sponneker, Vice President, and I bring hugs and kisses from our President. Idi But the plane . . . Veep . . . is not Air Force One, I came on Air Force One and One Half. Idi I am honored beyond belief, but your President . . . 65 Veep . . . regrettably is detained. Affairs of State, you know: Founding the Federal Suppository, passing the Fetid Air Act, funding the dark side of the moon. Idi Of course, we understand the dinkum of politics. Fellows! Is the wine decanted? Ibn (Filling his glass.) (No, but it’s demented.) Ish Mr. Sponneker, is this “state visit” not merely an attempt to divert attention from your troubles back home, your chaotic relations with a costive Congress? Veep Congress? Those assertive bumble-boobs! The United States Senate is peopled by one hundred trained chinchillas. But you are . . . ? Ish Natasha Ish, CNN, here to cover the Inauguration. Veep General Nakumbo, I wonder if we might have a word alone. Idi (Moving his party to head table.) Of course, Mr. Vice President, of course—but here are my guests arriving now. Allow me to point out the dignitaries in attendance: 66 The entire House of Lawds, my consulting aristocrats; the diplomatic...