The Early Posthumous Work

The Newsweek Short Story: Celestial Puzzler

170 The Newsweek Short Story: Celestial Puzzler “I can make a story out of a doorknob . If it turns, a cover story!” —R . L . Bechtold, 1974 Sales of microscopes trebled, Palomar swinging in its great and graceful arc, strange sights in the night streets of American cities —all these are being attributed to the projected appearance of the first major comet in sixty years. A celestial happening, the Comet Kohoutek, named after Russian astrologer O. (Phil) Kohoutek who first discovered the new light last February, may show up. In Trenton, astralphilosopher Philip Merrill predicts that the comet will spread “new light” on New Jersey, Cleveland, and the Snake delta, three areas of geopolitical interest where his nonsectarian group has its strongest following. Kohoutek is projected by most scientists to be “at least” six feet long, which might make it the brightest star in the firmament, if it ever appears. It will, if predictions are realized, cover half the sky, which is twelve feet at sundown and eleven and a half feet at sunup, a freaky astrophysical oddity which has puzzled scientists for centuries. This new comet, coming as it does, after Christmas, seems certain to clear that up. Aristotle Comets have appeared before in history and the lore is rich. Who ever heard of poor lore? In 18 BC a comet appeared over Cincinnati and killed nineteen people, the entire population at that time. The philosopher Aristotle observed that comets of- Steven Barthelme 171 ten have a long trailing thread behind them, which he christened “the tail.” In 44 AD the appearance of the Comet Whistle sparked the hordes of Attila in the sack of Rome. Whistle later reappeared in 415 coinciding with a mysterious tooting and pounding in the heads of humanity. Jurist Garret Augustus Hobart (before he became vice president) is said to have spoken fondly of “comets and shit like that.” Comments on comets have been condensed in a slim volume which is used as a bible by inmates of the Colorado Department of Corrections. A recent popular opinion cross section shows seventy-nine percent with “no opinion” pointing to the wide spread of ignorance about comets. But perhaps the most mysterious phenomenon associated with the celestial pranksters occurred in 1910 with the appearance of Harry’s Comet. On March 12, at its apogee (point closest to the sun in an elliptical orbit), Harry blazed so bright in the sky that Franklin, Pennsylvania, up to that time an industrial boomtown of near a million population, disappeared. In the following forty-eight hours, seventy-six members of the Franklin Philharmonic Orchestra, on a road show engagement in Toledo, were snubbed out without so much as a trace. Modern histories make no mention of Franklin, which speaks to the totality of the devastation. Some historians will admit to peculiarity in off-therecord conversations with reporters. In 1898 the Peerless Motor Company was formed. Physics: There has been much speculation as to the material nature of comets, from the libertine sixteenth century physicist Philp Zent’s formulation “anything with a tail” to some modern French metaphysicians who insist that “not is comet is not.” In between, more moderate observers take a gentler view. Astronomer Philip Lynch of Los Angeles’ Pistello Observatory settles back in his worn Naugahyde chiffonier and expresses a common position: “Comets are tricky. Comets are any color they want.” NASA physicists Philip Dempsey and Philip Tegler disagree: “Comets are yellow, infrequently blue. That’s it, bucko.” Philip Pierce, head of the Pierce Institute in Scottsdale, suggests that comets “are composed of chunks of matter no larger than a trac- 172 The Early Posthumous Work tor,” and that these chunks are surrounded by a white-hot syrup of celestial ice which he describes as “about the viscosity of peanut butter, only white.” It tastes, Pierce adds, “like fried chicken.” Philip Fenner, truculent and diminutive shortstop of the famed British Research League has spent years following comets across their celestial playground. His crack research team is ready with millions of dollars’ worth of equipment for Kohoutek, although he hasn’t spoken a word since 1942. Amid this honest play of divergent opinion, there is one thing that Dempsey, Tegler, Merrill, Lynch, and most other scientists would agree on—Kohoutek’s appearance, should it occur, will be the opportunity of a lifetime. Real putrid: Perhaps the most provocative theory of all is propounded by an austere, reserved, thin...