Bin Laden's Bald Spot: & Other Stories

AAA Plus

13 aaa pLus One night my car broke down and died not a mile from the shop where I had just spent more than eight hundred dollars on a new starter and timing mechanism and assorted other holy mysteries, and after I coasted it choking and lurching to the side of the road, and sat there silently banging the steering wheel so hard that my wrist still hurts on rainy days, and stepped out squelching into the mud, and hitched home in the furious summer rain, cars swerving and honking and one guy even giving me the finger, I called AAA to get them to tow the car back to the shop, because I couldn’t call my wife anymore, whereas she doesn’t live with me and the kids anymore, but the tow truck guy refused to tow the car that far because my coverage was only AAA standard, not AAA Plus, which your AAA Plus allows us to tow cars anywhere in these United States, said the tow truck driver, you could tow a car from Alaska to Florida technically, but your AAA standard coverage limits your emergency towing capability to three miles or less, that’s the way it is, he said, and he was about as big as a house, so I declined to argue, andhetowedthecarthreemilesdowntheroadandwasgoing to leave it there by the side of the highway in accordance with the AAA standard coverage limit, but I swore to high heaven that I would immediately purchase AAA Plus, even doing so retroactively if he thought that necessary, such was my good opinion of his profes- 14 | Bin Laden’s Bald Spot sional judgment in this matter, and he took the compliment and took pity and took my car to my house, where my children poured out to watch his truck, which was indeed a majorly large truck, as one of my sons said. So next day I purchase AAA Plus, which takes effect immediately upon issuance of your major credit card, says the operator politely, so we seal the deal and when I hang up the phone I am a member of AAA Plus. I actually felt different, no joke. I felt taller. So I call the tow truck guy again and he comes back to tow my car back to the shop where I got the new starter and timing mechanism and such. He’s cheerful as a jaybird now that I have AAA Plus. He can tow me from here to kingdom fecking come, he says. He can tow me from sea to fecking sea. His name is Denny too, he says, and he is a towing fool. You Blow, We Tow is written in letters a foot high on the side of his truck. I’ve towed everything with an engine, he says. They all break down in the end. Cars, trucks, boats, ski-doos, even a biplane one time, this old guy dressed like fecking Charles A. Lindbergh landed his plane in a supermarket parking lot and hit a shopping cart and wrecked his plane and I had to tow him home. Guy was wearing a scarf and goggles and everything. The whole nine yards. Must have been eighty years old if he was a day. I tell you, the things I seen! One time I towed a car with a naked guy. Guy was driving around naked when his car blew. I made him stay in the car when I towed it. Which is illegal, but I didn’t want a naked guy in my cab. I’d like to see the cop who’d give me a ticket for that. Another time I towed a guy who I found out later he just robbed a diner but his car died after like three blocks, but he called for a tow, is that hilarious or what? Guy had AAA Plus too. Another time I towed a guy who when he opened his trunk looking for a jack or something I see his trunk was full of guns. I didn’t say anything to anyone about that. You rat a guy like that he comes and shoots you in the face. I don’t need trouble. I got enough trouble. We all got troubles. You got troubles? I got troubles, I say. Brian Doyle | 15 People think when you drive a tow truck you must get the girls, says Denny, because...