Mark Twain Speaking

84. Curtain Speech

276 MARK TWAIN SPEAKING Text / Composite, based upon: "An Undelivered Speech" in MTS(10):359-62; and MTS(23): 164-67. As noted by the Times report above, the speech was delivered.· 84 · Pudd'nhead Wilson, dramatized by Frank Mayo, was first performed at Proctor's Opera House, Hartford, on April 8, 1895. Then it moved to New York for the opening on April 15, with Mayo in the title role, Edgar L. Davenport as Chambers, E. J. Henley as Tom Driscoll, and Mary Shaw as Roxy. Mark Twain, attending a performance shortly after his return from England, responded to callsfor "Speech! Speech!" at the end ofthe third act, speaking from his box. Next day the Times remarked: "The fact that the humorist was to be present and wouldprobably address the audience was known in advance, and the result was that the auditorium was crowded to its utmost capacity ." Curtain Speech Performance of Pudd'nhead Wilson, Herald Square Theatre, New York, May 22,1895 I am sure I could say many complimentary things about this play which Mr. Mayo has written and about his portrayal of the chief character in it and keep well within the bounds both of fact and of good taste; but I will limit myself to two or three. I do not know how to utter any higher praise than this-that when Mayo's Pudd'nhead walks this stage here, clothed in the charm of his gentle charities of speech and acts and the sweet simplicities and sincerities of his gracious nature, the thought in my mind is: Why, bless your heart, you couldn't be any dearer or lovelier or sweeter than you are without turning into that man all men love and even Satan is fond of-JoeJefferson . I am gratified to see that Mr. Mayo has been able to manage those difficult twins. I tried, but in my hands they failed. Year before last there was an Italian freak on exhibition in Philadelphia who was an MARK TWAIN SPEAKING 277 exaggeration of the Siamese Twins. This freak had one body, one pair of legs, two heads, and four arms. I thought he would be useful in a book, so I put him in. And then the trouble began. I called these consolidated twins Angelo and Luigi, and I tried to make them nice and agreeable, but it was not possible. They would not do anything my way, but only their own. They were wholly unmanageable, and not a day went by that they didn't develop some new kind of devilishness -particularly Luigi. Angelo was of a religious turn of mind, and was monotonously honest and honorable and upright, and tediously proper; whereas Luigi had no principles, no morals, no religion-a perfect blatherskite, and an inextricable tangle theologically-infidel, atheist, and agnostic, all mixed together. He was of a malicious disposition, and liked to eat things which disagreed with his brother. They were so strangely organized that what one of them ate or drank had no effect upon himself, but only nourished or damaged the other one. Luigi was hearty and robust, because Angelo ate the best and most wholesome food he could find for him; but Angelo was himself delicate and sickly, because every day Luigi filled him up with mince pies and saltjunk,just because he knew he couldn't digest them. Luigi was very dissipated, but it didn't show on him, but only on his brother. His brother was a strict and conscientious teetotaler, but he was drunk most of the time on account of Luigi's habits. Angelo was president of the Prohibition Society, but they had to turn him out, because every time he appeared at the head of the procession on parade, he was a scandalous spectacle to look at. On the other hand, Angelo was a trouble to Luigi, the infidel, because he was always changing his religion, trying to find the best one, and he always preferred sects that believed in baptism by immersion , and this was a constant peril and discomfort to Luigi, who couldn't stand water outside or in; and so every time Angelo got baptized Luigi got drowned and had to be pumped out and resuscitated . Luigi was irascible, yet was never willing to stand by the consequences of his acts. He was always kicking somebody and then laying it on Angelo. And when the kicked person kicked back, Luigi would say, "What are you kicking me for...