Mark Twain Speaking

151. Freundschaft Society

MARK TWAIN SPEAKING· 151 · 503 A Freundschaft Society dinner honored Charles Putzel,formerpresident ofthe society, who had been appointed tax commissioner. Chairman Julius J. Frank, introducing Mark Twain, referred to the maxim of Pudd'nhead Wilson: "When in doubt, tell the truth." The New York American reported next day that "the gray-haired humorist never was in better voice." Dinner Speech Freundschaft Society Dinnerfor Charles Putzel, New York, March 8,1906 Mr. Chairman, Mr. Putzel and gentlemen of the Freundschaft: That maxim I did invent, but never expected it to be applied to me. I did say, "When you are in doubt," but when I am in doubt myself I use more sagacity. Mr. Grout suggested that if I have anything to say against Mr. Putzel, or any criticism of his career or his character, I am the last person to come out on account of that maxim and tell the truth. That is altogether a mistake. I do think that it is right for other people to be virtuous so that they can be happy hereafter, but if I knew every impropriety that even Mr. Putzel has committed in his life, I would not mention one of them. My judgment has been maturing for seventy years, and I have got to the point where I know better than that. Mr. Putzel stands related to me in a very tender way-through the tax office-and it does not behoove me to say anything which could by any possibility militate against that condition of things. Now, that word, taxes, taxes, taxes! I have heard it tonight. I have heard it all night. I wish somebody would change that subject, that is a very sore subject to me. I was so relieved whenJudge Leventritt did find something that was not taxable-when he said that the commissioner could not tax your patience. And that comforted me. We've got so much taxation. I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed except the answer to prayer. 504 MARK TWAIN SPEAKING On an occasion like this the proprieties require that you merely pay compliments to the guest of the occasion, and I am merely here to pay compliments to the guest of the occasion, not to criticize him in any way, and I can say only complimentary things to him. When I went down to the tax office some time ago, for the first time in New York, I saw Mr. Putzel sitting in the "Seat of Perjury." I recognized him right away. I warmed to him on the spot. I didn't know that I had ever seen him before, but just as soon as I saw him I recognized him. I had met him twenty-five years before, and at that time had achieved a knowledge of his abilities and something more than that. I thought: "Now, this is the same man whom I saw twenty-five years ago." On that occasion I not only went free at his hands, but carried off something more than that. I hoped it would happen again. It was twenty-five years ago when I saw a young clerk in Putnam's book store. I went in there and asked for George Haven Putnam and handed him my card, and then the young man said Mr. Putnam was busy and I couldn't see him. Well, I had merely called in a social way, and so it didn't matter. I was going out when I saw a great big, fat, interesting-looking book lying there and I took it up. It was an account of the invasion of England in the fourteenth century by the Preaching Friar, and it interested me. I asked him the price of it and he said four dollars. "Well," I said, "what discount do you allow to publishers?" He said, "Forty percent off." I said, "All right, I am a publisher." He put down the figure, forty percent off, on a card. Then I said, "What discount do you allow to authors?" and he said, "Forty percent off." "Well," I said, "set me down as an author." "Now," said I, "what discount do you allow to the clergy?" He said, "Forty percent off." Well, I said, I was only on my way there, kind of studying for the ministry. I asked him wouldn't he knock off twenty percent for that. He set down the figure, and he never smiled once. I was...