List: A Novel

Here’s What He Bought

HERE’S WHAT HE BOUGHT 43 Back at The Depot, the man bought a fifteen-foot Do It Drill Snake! Why ask why? He had a plugged drain in the basement. At home, the snake didn’t work. Here’s the thing: THEY NEVER DO, except for plumbers. So, back to the store, and the same salesman in his goddamn apron. Next: a Drain King, which the salesman said would pressurewash the pipes. And that son of a bitch did the trick. It was like a water cannon. Problem solved, right? HA. One problem, maybe. You own a house? They’re a fucking pain. It’s the leaking roof, and the garage door won’t open, or the window’s cracked. 44 The woman always said call someone, but, what, money grows on trees? Here’s what the man always said: I’ll do it. Like he said he’d get the kids. Eighteen things to do before dinner, and he was in the van, in traffic. Goddamn it if there wasn’t some son of a bitch parked in the turn lane. Right? Some guy sitting like he’d lost his ability to turn a wheel. Like he couldn’t see the big fucking gap in traffic. Like he didn’t understand the meaning of green. Jesus. Motherfucking. Christ. Our man, he heard seconds ticking away on a God-sized stopwatch . He heard the sound of the Jeopardy theme song. The beats of his pulse. The sound of his own screaming. Which hurt his throat. Duh. Then, finally, finally the guy ahead was turning, staring forward 45 through his big glasses, worried about the world that wanted to swallow him up. Or so it seemed. And, red. Whatever. The man needed a minute to calm down. To stop his heart from flopping like a fish. Which it did these days. Enough that the man had seen the doctor. Who patted his shoulder. Said the framus intersects with the ramistan approximately at the paternoster. ? Said it’s just stress. Said lay off the coffee. Find your happy place. Right, the man said, though he had thoughts, as follow: 1. How about I pee on your floor? 2. It’s just pee. 3. It’ll make room for more coffee. 4. Which I’ll give up like I’ll give up life, itself. 5. Which is to say NOT. 6. Because no place is happy without it, you quack bastard. 7. Not your waiting room, with its soft jazz and catalog 46 furniture and patients petrified from waiting a geological age. 8. Do you tell your depressed patients to just cheer up? 9. Drug addicts to just say no? 10. How about I just don’t pay your bill? The doctor said, If you’d like something for it, we can try Beta Blockers, or some Xanax. Great, said the man, like he needed more co-pays at twenty a pop. Though, maybe the Xanax. Because our man needed a good night’s sleep. One. Good. Night’s. Sleep. He was sick of flopping the sheets loose. Trips to the bathroom. The kids shouting when he might maybe drift off. Some ticking noise in the house. Trucks gearing down. He was sick of the dog’s wet snoring. The woman as out cold as a drunk. Or pretending to be. So the man would get up. Close the windows. Check the locks. 47 Whatever. Because the man was up, anyway, thinking about the tomorrow. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and the tomorrow. The weekend things to be done. The mowing. Cleaning. Cooking . The dogwalks. Laundry. And shopping, with the other clueless gawkers staring at cereal. Groping produce. Wondering about the expiration date on cheddar cheese. The price of eggs. Yogurt with M&Ms? Or frozen pasta dinners? Just boil some goddam noodles, is what the man thought. Add some other shit. Voila. . Then the aisle of earthy-crunchy. Where our man would get himself some veggie this. Tofurkey that. It tasted like flavored cardboard. But the man had his cholesterol to consider. His weight. And the vibrancy of his bowels. Which, you know, bummer. 48 Like the zombie checker, yawning. Our man knew her name would be Brianna. Or Chanel. Julissa. She’d have piercings on every fleshy bit...