Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

I

I isthe first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to the grammariansthan it is to the author of this incomparabledictionary. Conception oftwomyselves is difficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot. Ichor, n. A fluid that servesthe gods and goddesses in place of blood. Fair Venus,speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said: "Behold, rashmortal, whom you've bled— Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" Mary Doke. Ichthyologist, n. A Jo. Redding. Iconoclast, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectlygratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would haveother idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: "Ye shallhavenone at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has alwaysbeen dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable . He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribesconduct with a dead-line. Idleness, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staplevices. Idol, n. An image representing symbolically some object of worship. That the image is itself worshiped is probably not true of any people in the world, though some idols are ugly enough to be divine. The honors paid to idols are justly deprecated by the true believer, for he knows that nothing with a head can be omniscient, nothing with a hand omnipotent and nothing with a body omnipresent. No deity could fill any of our requirements if handicapped with existence. Idolater, n. One who professes a religon which we do not believe, with asymbolism different from our own. A person who thinks more of an image on a pedestal than of an image on a coin. Ignis Fatuus, n. Love. Ignoramus, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself,and havingcertain other kinds that you know nothing about. Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one dayto Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a sparkhaveyou of knowledge That wasgot in anycollege." Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm denied A knowledge—you of all beside." Boretti. Illuminati, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights— cunctationes illuminati . Illustrious, adj. Suitablyplaced for the shafts of malice,envy and detraction. Imagination, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership. Imbecility, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire, affecting censorious critics of this dictionary. Immaculate, adj. Not asyet spotted by the police. Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. Immodest, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others. There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so longago, And he had a head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a show. THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY : 117 For his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) That its summit stood far abovethe wood Of his hair, like a mountain peak. So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore— So humble and meek, you would vainlyseek; None ever was found before. Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens contrived to get To so great a height that they called the wight The man with the minaret...