The Gay Baby Boom: The Psychology of Gay Parenthood

8. Gay and Lesbian Parents’ Beliefs about Parenting

[8] Gay and Lesbian Parents’ Beliefs about Parenting ll parents have concerns about their children, goals they wish to strive for as parents, and experiences they feel are important for their children to have. We asked our subjects about these issues in order to see how gay and lesbian parents view their priorities as parents. We deliberately asked the questions in an open-ended manner so that the respondents could interpret them and answer them in their own ways. We were interested in seeing whether more participants cited concerns having to do with the dynamics of their families or with the greater community in which they lived. In other words, we wanted to know whether gay and lesbian parents are more concerned about themselves as parents or about society’s reaction to their family? Are their goals and objectives as parents influenced greatly by their sexual orientation , or are they similar to the goals and objectives of most heterosexual parents? 125 A Concerns about Raising Children in Gay- or Lesbian-Headed Families Most of the parents admitted to having particular concerns about raising a child in a gay- or lesbian-headed family. Eighty-one percent of the lesbian mothers indicated that they felt this way, as did 73 percent of gay fathers. When asked to name their specific concerns, 85 percent of the fathers and 82 percent of the mothers who had concerns said they worried that their children would be teased by other children because of their family makeup. I fear that my child may be harassed by schoolmates. I don’t know of any other gay/lesbian parents in my community. I don’t want her to feel embarrassed. My concerns mainly are about any negative words or actions that may be taken against my children because their parents are lesbian (teasing, fighting, etc.). So far that hasn’t happened, but they are still too young. I do worry about the reaction our son will face throughout life without a mother actively raising him. No matter what we do to prepare him for his, someone sometime will be negative or cruel to him about having two dads. Seventeen percent of lesbian mothers with concerns and 8 percent of gay fathers with concerns cited the lack of a role model for one gender in the family as something they worried about. (Note that, because some parents mentioned more than one concern, totals may add up to more than 100 percent.) Gay and Lesbian Parents’ Beliefs about Parenting / 126 I want to ensure my children have access to positive male role models. At first I worried about the absence of a male parent, but after reading The Courage to Raise Good Men I was much less anxious and now believe we can raise healthy, good kids. We’re a little concerned about making sure that our daughter had good male role models like her daddy and papa (she has two gay dads, too.) Will we [two gay fathers] be able to teach our daughter the essentials of womanhood? Other concerns came up more rarely. Many of these concerns were variations on the theme of how others will perceive the child. Some dealt with the implications of having used an unknown donor or being unable to obtain legal rights as a parent. Some parents did express worries about their own parenting and its potential impact upon their children. I have had some concerns that our son, with two fathers, have good role models of heterosexual intimacy and friendship. I do have custody concerns if my partner and I should split, since I don’t have much protection here in our state. [from a nonbiological lesbian mother] I was raised without a biological dad. I had a hard time with the concept of doing the same to another child. I fear that he will resent us for using an unknown donor. He can never know who the donor is. How do we encourage truth if we can’t be open about our lifestyle choices everyday? [this lesbian mother is a teacher at a Catholic school, and would lose her job if her sexual orientation were to become known, so she is in the closet professionally] Gay and Lesbian Parents’ Beliefs about Parenting / 127 Our son tends to enjoy “girl” things (Barbies, playing “dress-up”with dresses). We’re afraid that he’ll be taunted (more than kids usually are) and...