Abraham and Mary Lincoln

2. Mr. and Mrs. Abraham Lincoln

39 c h a p t e r t w o Mr. and Mrs. Abr aham Lincoln Marriage They met at one of the most anticipated social events in the town’s history, a cotillion at the new American House held in December 1839 to celebrate the convening of the first legislative session in the new state capital. As one of the Assembly’s Whig leaders , Abraham Lincoln was named a “manager” of the event, which likely amazed and amused him beyond measure but undoubtedly impressed Mary Todd. Although shrouded in some mystery and a great deal of historical controversy, their courtship probably began during the first three months of 1840 but was forced to subside, with Lincoln campaigning for William Henry Harrison (and serving as one of his electors, which imposed extensive campaign duties), riding the Eighth Circuit (which he did regularly for up to ten weeks at a time), and on top of it all serving in the state legislature. Historians have fiercely debated the circumstances of Mary Todd’s courtship of Abraham Lincoln as well as the couple’s engagement and marriage. Social customs among the middle and upper classes of the day dictated that courtship take place within the aegis of the woman’s family and even with their permission. In this patriarchal society, suitors “came calling” only after receiving an invitation from one of the men in the household. The Lincoln-Todd courtship therefore had the blessing, at least initially, of Elizabeth and Ninian Edwards and took place in the parlor of their imposing, two-story brick home. “Many courting couples throughout the nineteenth century continued to 40 | mr. and mrs. abraham lincoln seek consent from the young woman’s parents,” according to historian Karen Lystra. “Scant attention, however, was paid to the young man’s family. Nineteenth-century men enthusiastically supported the value of familial independence.” Indeed, Thomas and Sarah Lincoln never met Mary Todd, either before or after her marriage to their son. The Edwardses, however, felt a keen responsibility to make a good match for Mary Todd, just as they had helped Frances Todd marry well and would eventually help Mary’s younger sister Ann find an equally suitable husband (Springfield merchant Clark Smith). They probably would have considered any romantic union acceptable as long as it contributed to the Todd family’s strategic quest to forge broader social and economic connections. Ninian Edwards later admitted that he had “policy reasons” for encouraging the courtship, hoping to bind the promising young Lincoln more firmly within the family’s social and political orbit. Like most of the eligible women in the town, Mary Todd entertained multiple suitors, including Lincoln’s political rival Stephen Douglas. Sometime during 1840, however, Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd discreetly made plans to marry. During this era of family transition, courtship was growing in complexity. As both parental authority and economic motivations for marrying declined, couples expected to cultivate an emotional intimacy during an extended period of betrothal, a process of “disclosing and explaining the self,” in Lystra’s words, during which the couple would find ways to explore their true feelings and test each other’s character. The male ideal of dignified self-composure prompted women to insist on—or engineer—long, drawn-out engagements to allow more time to explore their prospective husbands’ suitability. Glib and emotional, Mary Todd divulged an outpouring of confidences to her suitor, but Lincoln was reluctant and possibly even unable to reciprocate. “Mary was quick, lively, gay—frivalous it may be,” according to her sister, Elizabeth Edwards. Lincoln, she believed, “Could not hold a lengthy Conversation with a lady—was not sufficiently Educated and intelligent in the female line to do so.” Yet he was fascinated with the lovely young woman who poured out her heart to him. “I have happened in the room where they were sitting often & often Mary mr. and mrs. abraham lincoln | 41 led the Conversation,” her sister recalled. “Lincoln would listen & gaze on her as if drawn by some Superior power, irresistably So: he listened—never Scarcely Said a word.” As many observers have since remarked, Mary was clearly looking for a good listener. Above all, standards of courtship and marriage were undergoing a dramatic transition. Just as family life in general was shifting from an economic to an emotional foundation, women began demanding a greater emotional investment from suitors during courtship. The traditional, “strategic” marriage had...