Tough Day for the Army: Stories

Second Careers

68 Second Careers I don’t think that Christ would be shy to shake off his gloves and protect his teammates. —stu grimson, NHL enforcer/born-again Christian Jesus? Jesus Christ? Yeah, sure I remember him, a scrapper, a real character guy. I mean, Jesus Christ, he was Jesus Christ, you know? —BoB morrison, Jesus’s Coach with the Saskatoon Bear Trap of the Near Western Outpost Hockey League (NWOHL) He’d go to war for you for sure, always there to defend a guy, but once, when Scialabba pole-axed him, just clubbed the living shit out of Jesus right between the shoulder blades, Jesus didn’t do anything, that SOB just turned the other cheek. “Vengeance be not man’s but God’s,” he said . . . Course we couldn’t take any chances, so next shift, I got Scialabba with a nice hearty jab in the stones, if you know what I’m saying. —vincent DaLmPierre, Jesus’s former Bear Trap teammate Yeah, Jesus always wanted to score more—who didn’t? But he knew that wasn’t his role. He used to say, “I know, I know, smite the wicked, dispatch the base.” He never enjoyed it like the real psychos did, though. He didn’t relish the job like some of them, like that freak Scialabba. I mean, you could tell it wore on Jesus sometimes, like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. —ranDy Duchesne, Jesus’s former Bear Trap teammate 69 Jesus always was a great one for stories, like on those awful bus trips between Hamilton and Saskatoon; you could always count on him to pass the time. He had this one about the traveling salesman, the milkmaid , and the fig tree. I never did figure out what the hell he meant, but oh man, that one always busted my gut. —cLauDe LaLonDe, Jesus’s former Bear Trap teammate Jesus was a cheap-shot, chickenshit life-ruining motherfucker. —rich sciaLaBBa, former player, Hamilton Force It’s not that he couldn’t score; I saw him do some amazing things sometimes, some real miracles with the puck, and he always had the good, hard slapper, but remember, we had guys like Conrad and Langlois on that team, so someone had to do the mucking in the corners. When the shit is heavy and you’ve gotta hack your way out of the jungle, you need a machete. Our machete was Jesus. —DaLmPierre Never did care for the guy. Tough little player, but every time I called a penalty on him it was always, “Judge not lest ye be judged,” and I’d be like, “What the hell does that mean?” And well, yeah, there was that thing with Scialabba, that wasn’t too good. I saw the whole thing . . . not a memory I care for, for sure. —conraD gauLthier, referee, Near Western Outpost Hockey League I’m not going to say he didn’t have it coming, but you hate to see that kind of thing happen, even to a prick like Scialabba. —Duchesne Sure, I took some heat. They said I sent Jesus out there just to mess up Scialabba, but let me get a few things straight. First, this is hockey, not goddamn tiddlywinks. Second, Scialabba had been taking liber- 70 ties all series and had to be stopped; the faint of heart don’t win the Richards Cup. Lastly, I didn’t have to say anything about what to do with Scialabba, not word one to Jesus. He knew what had to be done because he was all about what was good for the team. —morrison No, I didn’t see it. I’m glad I didn’t. Who wants that memory? —LaLonDe I’ll tell you something about Jesus, what he was like as a player. Afterward , after the thing with Scialabba, Jesus went back into the locker room and wept. Jesus wept. —Duchesne You might call it a moment of truth, you could call it that, and yeah, maybe in that moment I felt some fear. You’ve got Jesus coming at you with a hockey stick, and you’d be a little afraid, wouldn’t you? —sciaLaBBa I saw most of it. Scialabba had just planted Scully into the boards from behind, after the whistle, messed Scully up pretty bad, and so Jesus went after him. I mean, that’s what he was supposed...