My Beloved Toto: Letters from Juliette Drouet to Victor Hugo 1833-1882

1840s

1840s 83 Letter 41 Saturday evening, quarter to 7:00, 18 July [1840] I’m dismayed, my beloved, by the daguerreotype taken of me! I’m demoralized , seriously, for it’s not that it hurts my pride in my appearance or still less my self-respect, but it kills my confidence in your love. I’m aching and sick, I would like to die. If I didn’t have my poor daughter, I think I’d hasten the moment, such is my shame and such my fear of not surviving a second after the extinction of your love. I feel true despair. I really am a monster of ugliness! What frightful portraits, including the successful one! And I can suffer from no illusions, for yours—although they are not as handsome as yourself—are charming . So it is in fact I, I who am ugly and frightful! It’s very sad, my God, for in my soul I am beautiful.1 This is the first time that this line has struck me as one of the most true and poignant expressions of the pain of the poor monster you created. If you have pity for me and if you care about your love and my life, you’ll erase all these hideous images that multiply me and, as it were, double my ugly carcass. I’ll beg you so earnestly to do so that you’ll have to consent. Meanwhile , I think you’ve left for Saint-Prix.2 My head is on fire and I would kill myself with pleasure, such is my suffering in body and soul. I love you too much—that’s what makes me so ugly. Juliette Letter 42 Friday afternoon, half past 4:00, 28 August [1840] All my money people have come, my love. In the meantime I’ve finished putting aside what we are going to take,1 and I’ve written various farewell letters that you’ll see and that I’ll have Suzannea deliver as soon as we leave. I’ve also written to Mme Krafft but by the mail in order not to double the expenses of the carrier, in case Mme Pierceau has already been to Mme Krafft’s and has sent me a shawl. Besides there was sufficient time for the mail, and we don’t risk the indiscretions of the porter. Today is the last time for two months that I’ll be writing to you, my beloved. I can’t say I’m vexed about it, far from it—I’m delighted, and tired and exhausted as I am, I yell my war cry joyfully: “What happiness!!!!!!” I’m jolly well going to take my fill of happiness and love for two months. All the humps, terrestrial, animal, and otherwise will be nothing compared with the heaps of fun2 I’m going to indulge in all along the way. Hills, mountains, the humps of camels, dromedaries, and others—all will be but a pimple beside the heaps of my fun. 84 My Beloved Toto If the dress was still at Cologne,3 we could pick it up as we passed, which would be something quite original and not unappealing, since the dress could come to the aid of the one I have on my back, which is not very ravishing. But I’m afraid that we might not find it there, or in such a state of degradation it would no longer be good for anything. But whatever happens, the important thing is to love each other and be happy. We do love each other and we are happy, aren’t we, my beloved? Juliette Letter 43 Thursday evening, half past 6:00, 5 November [1840] You see, my beloved, I was quite right when I said this morning I wouldn’t see you again until midnight. Alas! When it comes to your absence, I have sad premonitions that don’t deceive me. I saw Mme Triger and gave her the two glasses, one for her and one for Mme Pierceau, as she was going to see her this evening. I got through as quickly as possible the job of giving her the two glasses, which are nothing marvelous in themselves. To give them a little something special and to thank these two ladies for having attended the prize-giving in my absence, I presented them with our two purses, saying...