An Unlikely Advocate for Women: One Man's Story of Transformation

Reprinted with permission from I am Powerful: The Magazine from CARE.

What you are about to read is one example of how traditional gender roles can affect families. By working with men and women together, CARE has shown people like Faustin and Leonie that there is strength and value in partnership.

My name is Faustin Ntiranyibagira and I want to share my family's story with you. I am 36 years old and married my wife Leonie Nduwimana in 1996. We have three children—a girl and two boys—and live on Muremera Hill, Giheta Township, in the province of Gitega, Burundi. I am a native of this hill and I am also the elected chief.

Growing up, my family was very poor. My father was often drunk, and when he returned home singing in the evening, we would hide to avoid the arguments he had with my mother. In turn, she would prepare food very early and extinguish the fire quickly so that my father would not find us still up when he returned home. She feared every evening that my father would beat her.

In spite of my father's behavior, I envied him. I saw him as a supreme authority—a “president” in his household—because everybody in our house, my mother included, trembled when he spoke. I told myself that one day I would get married so that I could also have a woman and children to give orders to.

This strong desire pushed me to start my family at a young age, and until recently I believed that I, too, was the “president” of my household. My wife was young and beautiful when we married, but a life of strenuous chores awaited her: she ploughed fields all day long; she was responsible for all of the household activities, and on top of it all, I abused her. Indeed I followed my father's example. I did everything necessary to show my wife that I was a man. And to show my father that my woman obeyed all of my orders.

I spent most of my time hanging out with other men who had nothing better to do, let alone contribute anything to their household. We reassured one another that it was necessary to show our wives that we are men and that beating them would better educate them—I was the first to make the others believe it.

The contradiction in all of this is that the other men saw me as a “man of speech and influence.” Then one day, visitors from CARE facilitated a meeting on our hill and encouraged us to form a community development committee. Many believed it was a waste of time, but for me time was not a problem. I didn't have anything else to do. I wanted to take part and I was elected by the men because they knew that I would always support the superiority of men over women. As a member, I gained opportunities to participate in training for community leadership, peaceful resolution of conflicts, agricultural techniques, the struggle against HIV and AIDS and various topics.

These trainings contributed to the development of my leadership capabilities and a commitment to serve my community. But in spite of these changes in me, the relationship with my wife remained bad. She continued to work alone; I continued to mistreat her, and my wife looked worse every day. I spent my days circulating in the hills and my wife never saw my money. Even when I slept, the money was kept in my underwear. When my wife asked me for money to buy salt, I would hide to withdraw a small amount so that she would not see how much I had.

My wife fell very ill—she became thinner, she was dirty all the time and we were not actively cultivating crops. My wife was exhausted—from the constant physical abuse, poor food and low self-esteem. As for...