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The Door

From: The Missouri Review
Volume 37, Number 1, 2014
p. 37 | 10.1353/mis.2014.0020

In lieu of an abstract, here is a brief excerpt of the content:

Suddenly there was a different significance in everything. Sometimes I disappeared from myself. Everything stilled. I’d be watching a bird pecking around on the gravel and yet there was no one inside me to watch. I would look around the room I was in, but no one inside me was looking. I lost all concept of time passing. Fear didn’t exist. Then gradually the world would begin to re-form into a more familiar state.

After one of these experiences I was confused and tired and dissatisfied. I went for long walks and reorganised the flower garden, moving the plants from where they’d always lived to somewhere else. At first I thought I might be dying myself, I thought that perhaps I had a brain tumour. Once or twice I almost said it to Sean, but the words didn’t come. Once out, there’d be doctors and tests, and the possibility of treatment. Sometimes I saw Sean look at me, then look quickly away. So he, too, had decided to say nothing.

Then I began to realise that something different was going on, that the stillness came from a different level. When there was no one there, I hadn’t left myself, it was only that my “I” had been dissolved into something wider.

And I understood afresh that everyone is always inside the act of dying at the same time as being inside the act of living. The door is always open, and there’d been no choice for you any more than there’d be choice for me if I had a fatal and inoperable brain tumour. You’d simply walked through the door that you’d stood beside since the day of your birth.

Kerry Hardie  

Kerry Hardie has published seven collections of poetry with The Gallery Press, Ireland. Her Selected Poems were published by Bloodaxe Books, U.K., which will also publish her next collection in 2014. She has also written two novels, Hannie Bennett’s Winter Marriage (Harper Collins) and The Bird Woman (Little, Brown) and is currently working on a third. She has won many prizes, including the National Poetry Prize (Ireland) and the Lawrence O’Shaughnessy Award for Poetry, University of St. Thomas, Minnesota.

Copyright © 2014 The Curators of the University of Missouri
Project MUSE® - View Citation
Kerry Hardie. "After You Died, and: Watching the Fire Take Your Body, and: The Door, and: Empty Space Poem, Eighteen Months, and: Between Here and There." The Missouri Review 37.1 (2014): 33-39. Project MUSE. Web. 22 Jul. 2014. <http://muse.jhu.edu/>.
Hardie, K.(2014). After You Died, and: Watching the Fire Take Your Body, and: The Door, and: Empty Space Poem, Eighteen Months, and: Between Here and There. The Missouri Review 37(1), 33-39. University of Missouri. Retrieved July 22, 2014, from Project MUSE database.
Kerry Hardie. "After You Died, and: Watching the Fire Take Your Body, and: The Door, and: Empty Space Poem, Eighteen Months, and: Between Here and There." The Missouri Review 37, no. 1 (2014): 33-39. http://muse.jhu.edu/ (accessed July 22, 2014).
TY - JOUR
T1 - After You Died, and: Watching the Fire Take Your Body, and: The Door, and: Empty Space Poem, Eighteen Months, and: Between Here and There
A1 - Hardie, Kerry
JF - The Missouri Review
VL - 37
IS - 1
SP - 33
EP - 39
PY - 2014
PB - University of Missouri
SN - 1548-9930
UR - http://muse.jhu.edu/journals/missouri_review/v037/37.1.hardie.html
N1 - Volume 37, Number 1, 2014
ER -

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