Stories No One Wants to Hear

Family History

We're much less Irish than we used to be.My father's hobby, genealogy,unearthed the facts: Leigh Hunt, alas, is notour kin (though Martha Washington we've got)and, worse, my sainted Irish grandma's name,the long-thought-Gaelic Fludgate, to our shamederives instead from London's river fleet,which gave its name to journalism's street.

And here's himself now, in a Dublin pub,revealing findings over grog and grub—Leigh, Martha, and the English, quite a hat-trick!—out with his just-met distant cousin Patrick,who says, "I'm pleased to know you, but I fearthere are some stories no one wants to hear."

Evolution

Ken Allen, an orangutan, was knownto crave escape. No matter how they walledhim in, he found his better nature calledby human trails and love of an ice-cream cone.The keepers knew where they could find the ape.He'd make for Primate Plaza Creameryeach time he found some clever way to fleefaux-Borneo—all caught on videotape.

The zoo called us to each new-bolstered cage:"We think it's tight this time but want to know.We'll need your climbers here so there's no doubt."We'd work the walls, locked-in with gear, to gaugetheir strength before the test: It's in you gothen, Ken, my man. Now let's see you get out.