Made in Heaven

MADE IN HEAVEN by Richard Relham "Marriages may be made in heaven," my ministerial colleague announced, "but certainly not the weddings." "What has happened now?" I inquired. My minister friend continued. "If anything can go wrong, it usually does at a wedding. Everyone—minister, organist, vocalist, wedding party—is under tension and this is the perfect psychological condition for Murphy's law to operate: if anything can go wrong it will." "Come on," I urged, "all this philosophizing must arise from some concrete situation." He was not to be hurried. He gazed at the ceiling reflectively and continued. "We have all heard of instances where someone fainted at a wedding, but we never expect it to happen in our own experience ; yet, second only to soldiers standing at attention in the hot sun, it's the perfect environment. The wedding party arrives at the church in a fever of excitement. The ushers don't seem to be as susceptible but the bride and bridesmaids spend a half hour or more dressing while various helpers hover around and the gushing talk rises to a higher register; then they stand in the foyer of the church waiting for the signal to go down the 9 aisle; and once in place they stand stiffly during the ceremony. If anyone has a tendency to faint, this is the perfect time!" "Did the bride faint?" I interrupted. "No. A bridesmaid. She didn't sink or crumple. She went down like a pine tree—timber..r..r..r." "Did you halt the service?" "No! If either of the two principals fainted, I would necessarily stop the service , but for a bridesmaid, never!" "Wasn't there considerable confusion?" "Yes, a little down front, but not as much as you might suppose. The congregation could tell something was happening , but their view was limited. The neighboring groomsmen and bridesmaids laid her out on the front pew, and fortunately there was a doctor sitting nearby and he checked her out. In fact, she recovered quickly and took part in the recessional with the others. For a few minutes we discussed other hazards such as the failure to bring the rings or the wedding license. My friend remembered a case where the ring was dropped while the groom was fumbling for the ring finger of the bride's left hand and rolled out of the chancel area and under the front pews. Proceedings naturally halted while helpful guests scrambled around on hands and knees trying to recover the ring. My friend insisted that if it had happened at a ceremony where he was officiating, he would have stripped off his own ring and used it and continued with the ceremony. I was reminded of a service where the rehearsal went off perfectly, but at the wedding someone got the ringbearers' cushions reversed. The rings, which I hadn't seen previously, were a set where both rings had stones. When the best man took the ring from the pillow and handed it to me, I felt the stones and suspected nothing as I handed it to the groom ;, but when I reached for the second ring, I immediately recognized by the setting that this was the ring the bride should have received. I managed to keep my cool and proceed with the service while the bride, groom and I shuffled rings around madly. No one in the congregation was aware that anything was wrong. My friend and I commiserated that, as master of ceremonies, the minister is responsible for covering up, if possible, any boo-boos that may occur. My friend told of an informal ceremony where only a few family and friends were present. The goom was a rustic fellow who was terrified by the importance of the occasion. When it came time for the vows, my friend lined out the first phrase and the groom's mouth opened; but no sound came out. He repeated it, and the groom gasped like a fish but nothing audible issued, so he then let the poor fish off the hook and finished the vows solo. The groom never gave his verbal assent to anything, but the minister considered *it implied and signed...