Dialogue

Chapter 15

15 Detached memory, detached ghost-shadow, detached sperm, come to me and come to me, I can’t do it on my own. Detached ghost-shadow, come to me, enter my body: pierce my heart, Choked breath and a dim moon rising many-hued, Philadelphia memories: stone roads, pavement squares, detached. by Xiao Xiao, in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA 24 May 2002 My childhood friend Meng-meng persuaded me to come to America for a holiday. My mood wasn’t good, and I didn’t really want to go, but she sent me the plane ticket. “Come over immediately. Do it for me. I now live in a big house with a garden, and if you don’t come over, I’ll sell it immediately.” I didn’t think that this playful statement was intended seriously, but one year later she really did sell her house and garden, and moved to an apartment in New York to live. Meng Meng was a good friend from college, the same girlfriend who had introduced me to Yu Jian. She ran a clothing business in America, made a lot of money and bought a big house with a garden in New Jersey, not far from New Dialogue 166 York City. She hoped that her good childhood friend would come and share her happiness. This was her dream, and it was compelling. She drove a red convertible Mercedes Benz sports-car to the airport to meet me. It was my first time in the United States, and the scenery all the way from the airport to New Jersey reminded me of Sydney, Australia, in many ways, an effect of both places having been British colonies. Not long after I came to the United States, I received a notice that there was a piece of express mail for me. The parcel hadn’t arrived on time, but had accidentally been sent to Seattle, Washington. On the fourth of June, an ominous date, a big truck drove up outside the place I was staying, and a large steel box from Hangzhou in China was unloaded. Meng-meng’s son, nick-named Mao-tou, a five-year-old ChineseAmerican child, helped me take photographs with his camera. He shook and waved it and took blurred pictures of each individual object — not a very clear beginning. I opened the box and found a white fibreglass cast of Lan Jun. A letter was placed on it. I opened it and read: I have sent my naked self to be by your side. It represents my love. I hope you’ll take me around New York, that you’ll take a hotel room for one night, that you’ll take me to the beautician to improve my looks, take me to the supermarket to shop, and to a clothes-shop to buy me a suit of clothes. Follow this route in taking me for an excursion around New York. I felt moved in my heart but also uncomfortable. Moved because Lan Jun had used this way of being with me. Uncomfortable because I could find no feeling in my heart for what he was asking me to do in the letter. I put the letter down and rang him. “Do you know why I am doing this?” he asked me over the phone. “Why?” “Do you remember how I came to Australia that year?” “I remember.” “Well, I’m using the same method to come and find you this time.” “Lan Jun, I am very moved that you’re coming to me like this, but I can’t carry out your proposal.” “How come you’ve changed and don’t do as I say?” 167 Chapter 15 “Oh? My collaborative relationship with you in the old days was not a normal thing.” “What’s the matter with you?” “In any case I don’t think we should fight.” “When I planned the subject matter of that Dialogue, it was to let people remember our gunshots. We can continue like this all the way.” I suddenly understood something. This was his way of squaring his own heart. I was about to say something, but now this was out in the open, our relationship was completely finished. “I don’t want to keep arguing with you about this. Collaboration is about two people reaching a common understanding, not about one obeying the other. If we must collaborate, you finish your part...