The Changing Room: Selected poetry of Zhai Yongming

The Testament of Hu Huishan

158 胡惠姗自述 ——感谢刘家琨叔叔 修建了胡惠姗纪念馆 我的同学谁来纪念 ? 他们躺在何处 我找不着 他们的名字再也无人知道 他们也有父母 父母也像火焰般燃烧 他们也有脐带 脐带把父母的命 往地下缠绕 他们一样也有乳牙 再也无人收藏 再也没有第二所学校 能让我们入读 再也没有 天堂里也没有 再也没有人间父母为我流泪 再也没有 天堂里也没有 这是世界上最长的裂缝 把我们一併吞下 剩下的 只有数字庞大 大到让更大数目的人流泪 当纪念我的水泥标号 超过学校 我瘦小的身体 能否把强壮的大地抬起 我能否翻个身 把地底的能量送出去 让上面的人看到 159 tHe testAMent oF HU HUIsHAn — with gratitude to uncle Liu Jiakun who built a memorial to hu huishan; but who will make memorials for all my classmates? Where do they lie i cannot find them no one remains who knows their names they too had mothers and fathers mothers and fathers who also burned like flames they too had umbilical cords umbilical cords that took their parents’ lives Winding towards the ground they too had milk teeth but no one remains to save them there won’t be another school where we might study it’s gone forever and it’s not in heaven nor is there a mother or father to weep for me they’re gone forever and they’re not in heaven this is the longest fissure on the face of the earth it swallowed us all and all that remains are huge numbers numbers large enough to make an even greater number of people weep When the grade of concrete used for my memorial is better than that of my school could my frail body Lift up the mighty earth could i turn my body and release energy from underground So people on the surface would see 160 整个班级的身体都压在这里 男女同学的躯体冒出 象石缝里的鲜花 冒出最后的鲜美 一声不响的我们 已不能让某些人看见 曾经是怎样的能量 把学校变成废墟 我能感觉到：在我头上 人们已不再疼痛 除了我父母 大地已不再震颤 除了偶尔的闪电 花重开 清风重来 歌又唱 再也没有了为时两月的愤怒 我叫胡惠姗 生于92年10月11日 没于2008年5月12日下午2:28分 享年15岁零 6 个月 23天， 火化时间2008年 5月15日 我叫胡惠姗 生前喜欢文学，梦想成为作家 对父母而言 我留下的不多： 照片，书包，笔记本，乳牙，脐带…… 对旁人而言，我什么也没留下 我叫胡惠姗 但愿我从未出生 从未被纪念 从未被父母抱在怀里 从未让他们如此悲痛 但愿依然美丽的 是15岁的笑脸 而不只是一个城市的名字 161 the bodies of my entire class lie crushed the corpses of those boys and girls sticking out Flowers in the crevices between stones thrusting out their final bright beauty We who are now silent can no longer show others the sort of force that turned our school to rubble this i can feel: above my head People are no longer suffering except for my parents the earth no longer quakes except for chance flashes of lightning Flowers will bloom again cool breezes will blow again songs will be sung those two months of anger are past my name is hu huishan Born october 11th, 1992 Died may 12th, 2008 at 2:28 in the afternoon i lived for 15 years, 6 months and 23 days, and was cremated on may 15th, 2008 my name is hu huishan When i was alive i liked literature, and dreamed of becoming a writer i haven’t left much behind for my mother and father: Photographs, book bag, notebook, milk teeth, umbilicus . . . i’ve left nothing for anyone else my name is hu huishan if only i’d never been born never been mourned had never been held in my parents’ arms had never caused them all this pain if only the beauty that remained was a 15-year-old’s smiling face instead of just the name of a town ...