Laughing Now: New Stories from Zimbabwe

African Laughter

82 African Laughter Rory Kilalea • One Thatched hut • Three Lions • Two Black actors • One Rhino • One Black Arb (Arbitrary extra) • Loin skins for black actors • One white actor • Oil for black actors • Spears and feather head-dresses for black actors • Scrawny chickens • One mombi • Friends in the National Parks open to bribes for film permissions. AFRICAN FILMMAKERS MUST HAVE the above when an international crew wants to set up their film. The foreign producers may be liberal. They may even wear leather sandals. They may be lumpy, drink a great deal of gin and drive a Porsche with a Jewish registration. But the true story is – they will all have a satisfied look that they are really changing the planet. And they will insist on all of the above. That’s the way it is. My last job – arrange a drama documentary of True Stories – real life escapes in the African wild for a UK television network. So it was the normal type of thing. • Bribes for Locations at the Mana Pools. Get the actors … • Wiener – fluent in three languages and women. • Walter – a Paramount Chief who fled the rigours of rural life to manage the Zimbabwean Football team because of the kickbacks. • His cousin (playing the Black Arb). • And there was me. Now that is not how it normally happens. I never appear in front of the screen, as I could be recognised. Then the game would be up forever . But this time they wanted a ragged-looking white Zimbo, between forty and death who could act. A local actor would not require a first-class ticket from London, or stay at the Sheraton. As there are only about five ragged white males left in our country – and I knew them all from Reps, the Keg and the Bowling Club – it should have been easy. But none could act. Sure they can bluster, be aggro about government and all of that away from the marauding Green Bombers – but they cannot really act. The producers did not know it was me. I called myself Didymus. I changed my name from Thomas to get extra money for the acting as well as being facilitator. I prepared my costume: khaki pants and shirt, an Akubra hat, and a pair of brown Raybans. I spent a lot of time with my ragged friends at Reps bar and stopped shaving for a week. I looked suitably bushy-fied. • Get the crew … Our location manager was Colin – the only man for this job. He knew how to manage toilets near the Zambezi and put up the tents for the precious overseas crew. He had a strong relationship with his digging crew (for the long drops), and was efficient in arranging chemicals that were user friendly and, more importantly still, in ordering the mobile honey wagon (toilets) to take secret trips into the Game Park to dispose of the waste. He also knew how to use a gun. Colin was ideal, even though he was white – but the overseas crew knew that above all political considerations, teas and toilets were essential in a black country. It was all going to be one hundred per cent. Colin would meet the crew at the airport, and then convoy the trucks up to the Zambezi Valley. An amazing man for 54, Colin is easily recognised. A long-distance runner who smokes 60 Madison cigarettes a day. Colin also wears his denim shorts so tight they’re like a condom. The UK crew would know who he was. He loves his black Zimbabwean crew like a family, but he does not like 83 African Laughter black people in general. That’s the way it is in Zimbabwe. • Get the animals … I hired wild animals from a man who has an annoying habit of taking a deposit and then disappearing. I would travel with him to ensure the animals would make it there. Also, I had to tell him that I was not using my real name, I was Didymus. ‘I’ll call you anything you want, jy Moer! Just make sure you get the bleddy money in my bank!’ Negotiating with him was tricky. He argued for hours, insisted the money was in forex and then presented another bill on the shooting day – blackmailing the foreigners to pay before his animals performed. There were also rumours that he was paying kickbacks to producers to get the jobs. He...