Make Mine a Double: Why Women Like Us Like to Drink (Or Not)

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148 wendy liebman ฀ t A i’ve had so many hangovers— my brain must have stretch marks. I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. A.A. If you know everybody there is it just A? I’m not an alcoholic but I do have addictions. I thought a twelve-step program would help but I didn’t want to be around people who were just like me. Blechhh. I did not want to have to look at myself. So I went to an A.A. meeting instead. I’m not even sure they have meetings for people with my affliction but A.A. was close to my house and they had delicious coffee. I’m addicted to ice cream. I go to a thirty-one-step program. I’m doing okay, but last week I had some shakes. One day I get to a meeting early and I sit behind two strangers. I hear them talking about me. “She’s a stand-up comedian.” Blah blah blah. And then the guy says my name. First and last! “Ahem!” I said. “I thought this was supposed to be anonymous!” The woman blushed, A t 149 took a sip of her delicious coffee. The man hemmed and hawed, then told me his name first and last! trying to appease me and apologize. I was furious! How dare he reveal my identity! But I was also really happy that someone knew who I was. I’m always happy when somebody recognizes me. Especially if it’s my mother. I went to A.A. for a while. I listened to stories from heart-wrenching to boring, mind-blowing to depressing, uplifting and unbelievable. I could relate to a lot of it. Scientists discovered the gene for alcoholism. It was the one wearing a lampshade. I’ve been drunk four times. I don’t mean karaoke drunk, where you drink enough to sing MacArthur Park in a lounge in Vegas at the top of your lungs off-key with your skirt hiked up. I’ve done that. I mean I’ve been drunk four times, room-swirling head-razing hangover-inducing liquor-consuming with no holds barred, no bars passed, bottle-swigging-the-hardstuff wasted! 150 t w e n d y l i e b m a n These are light-bulb memories (ironic because when you’re hungover you want to be in the dark), the kind of memories you recall vividly because of their significance, their trauma, their drama, their juiciness. 1 The first time I got drunk was in high school. I was with my friends Beth and Debbie. We had just consumed the best onion rings on Long Island at the Landmark Diner, and then proceeded to imbibe rum and Coke from highball glasses at one of our houses, until everything suddenly went Alice in Wonderland. The three of us passed out on the white shag rug mat in the bathroom. I still can’t eat onion rings or even smell rum to this day. 2 After taping a special for hbo in San Francisco, I managed to dance the night away, drinking enough of whatever anyone was buying to the point of obliterating the rest of the weekend. what was I thinking?! 3 I had been blonde for a few years, but I was having too much fun. I wanted to dye it back to its original color, brown. But the hair person made it black. Like black black. Shoe-polish black. A t 151 I looked like Morticia. I downed enough Johnnie Walker ’til I blacked out like my hair. (At some point I threw up in it.) 4 My husband and I drank martinis in Manhattan at the Mayflower Hotel. It was like an episode of Sex and the City except the sex part is blurry. The flashbulb in this memory was a strobe. I’m addicted to the remote control. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change— like the channel.” My favorite part of A.A. was at the end, when everyone held hands. When I felt like I was a part of something bigger, while still being an integral link in the chain. If we were an element we would have been mercury. Maybe not everyone has a problem. But most of my friends are obsessed with or dependent on something, have a bad habit or would...