The Lost Woods: Stories

The General

23 The General 1958 This฀story฀was฀found฀among฀the฀papers฀left฀by฀Reverend฀George฀Thompson,฀ a฀retired฀Methodist฀minister฀who฀died฀without฀heirs.฀He฀died฀in฀the฀ear ly฀ 1980s฀at฀seventy-two฀years฀of฀age฀after฀having฀been฀run฀out฀of฀his฀last฀church,฀ when฀he฀w as฀around฀sixty-two,฀because฀of฀a฀r umor฀that฀he฀w as฀known฀to฀ lick฀a฀cork฀here฀and฀there.฀A฀passionate฀hunter,฀he฀often฀enjoyed฀telling฀and฀ composing฀tales฀about฀the฀strange฀relationship฀between฀animals฀and฀people฀ in฀the฀woods.฀Some฀who฀heard฀these฀stories฀insisted฀that฀the฀rumor฀about฀the฀ drinking฀was฀certainly฀true฀because฀he฀talked฀like฀no฀minister฀they฀knew฀and฀ much฀of฀what฀he฀said฀was฀embellished฀beyond฀reason฀and฀might฀indeed฀have฀ been฀the฀result฀of฀more฀than฀a฀little฀imbibing.฀Folks฀also฀said฀he฀was฀a฀better฀ shot฀than฀any฀minister฀had฀time฀to฀be. ฀ No฀one฀knows฀if฀the฀story฀is฀true฀or฀false,฀but฀there฀are฀several฀members฀ of฀some฀of฀the฀older฀hunting฀clubs฀around฀Sledge,฀South฀Carolina,฀who฀insist฀ that฀every฀word฀is฀g ospel฀and฀that฀the฀R everend฀Thompson฀never฀lied—at฀ least฀when฀he฀was฀talking฀about฀hunting. The Reverend Thompson’s Narrative Everybody฀had฀heard฀of฀the฀Ge neral,฀but฀few฀had฀hunted฀with฀him฀ since฀he฀was฀a฀puppy.฀His฀owner,฀Reverend฀Eddie฀Chapman,฀had฀taken฀ to฀fundamentalism฀in฀a฀hard฀way.฀The฀other฀Chapman฀boys฀in฀town—his฀ cousins฀and฀ne phews฀mostly฀or฀at฀least฀p eople฀who฀went฀by฀the฀name฀ The฀General 24 Chapman—were฀far฀from฀fundamentalism฀or฀even฀church฀as฀far฀as฀that ฀ goes.฀In฀fact฀rumor฀had฀it฀that฀a฀number฀of฀them฀were฀out฀and฀out฀alcoholics ฀who฀frequented฀all฀manner฀of฀honky-tonks฀and฀ha d฀never฀shadowed ฀the฀door฀of฀a฀church—mostly฀because฀on฀Sundays฀they฀were฀waking฀ up฀with฀a฀hangover฀in฀the฀arms฀of฀one฀or฀another฀of฀a฀group฀of฀disreputable ฀women. ฀ Some฀folks฀said฀it฀was฀because฀Rachel฀Chapman฀White,฀Eddie’s฀aunt,฀ was฀killed฀with฀her฀husband,฀Jacob฀White,฀in฀that฀w reck฀just฀outside฀of฀ Sledge฀in฀the฀1940s.฀A฀tragic฀event฀it฀was—they฀left฀behind฀them฀a฀son,฀who฀ was฀raised฀by฀old฀Mrs.฀White.฀And฀this฀after฀Mrs.฀White฀had฀raised฀her฀own฀ children฀and฀after฀old฀man฀White฀had฀succumbed฀to฀a฀heart฀attack฀when฀ he was in his midfifties.฀It฀seems฀like฀some฀folks฀are฀just฀born฀unlucky. ฀ Well,฀folks฀said,฀the฀C hapman฀boys฀had฀turned฀to฀drinking฀because฀ they฀had฀tragedy฀in฀their฀family.฀But฀I฀sort฀of฀dispute฀all฀of฀that.฀Yeah฀they฀ did฀a฀little฀bit฀of฀drinking,฀but฀not฀all฀of฀them.฀Now฀Carl,฀Eddie’s฀brother,฀ was฀bad฀to฀drink฀sometimes.฀Still,฀he฀t ook฀care฀of฀his฀famil y.฀And฀you฀ know฀how฀folks฀will฀talk฀in฀a฀smal l฀town.฀And฀then฀there฀was฀so฀man y฀ Chapmans฀around฀that฀I฀was฀never฀sure฀how฀they฀were฀all฀related.฀Well,฀at฀ any฀rate,฀old฀Eddie฀chose฀a฀different฀path.฀He฀took฀to฀God.฀But฀it฀was฀not฀ the฀broad฀path฀to฀the฀Lord—it฀was฀the฀narrow฀one. ฀ Folks฀said฀that฀religion฀turned฀Reverend฀Chapman฀ornery฀and฀mean,฀ that฀he฀spent฀hours฀and฀hours฀poring฀over฀scripture฀and฀thinking฀about฀ sin.฀And฀then฀he฀star ted฀meeting฀for฀breakfast฀at฀Doug’s,฀the฀lo cal฀meat฀ and฀three,฀with฀other฀hardcore฀ministers฀of฀the฀faith, ฀those฀w ho฀spent฀ hours฀and฀hours฀drinking฀coffee฀and฀talking฀about฀the฀deplorable฀state฀of฀ the฀world฀and฀listing฀those฀who฀were฀directly฀responsible฀for฀it฀and฀would฀ as฀a฀result฀feel฀God’s฀wrath. ฀ And฀it฀was฀so mewhere฀about฀then฀that฀ he฀became฀very฀picky฀about฀ the฀people฀he฀hunted฀with.฀They฀had฀to฀be฀redeemed฀to฀his฀satisfaction.฀ And฀to฀ensure฀this฀fact,฀he฀required฀that฀they฀reveal฀their฀salvation฀story฀to฀ him฀sitting฀on฀the฀porch฀before฀they฀went฀hunting฀with฀him.฀The฀beagles฀ would฀be฀howling฀and฀whining฀in฀the฀dog฀boxes฀in฀the฀bed฀to฀the฀truck,฀so฀ as฀to฀make฀it฀more฀urgent฀that฀the฀teller฀of฀the฀salvation฀story฀get฀the฀story฀ The฀General 25 right,฀for฀only฀if฀they฀were฀truly฀redeemed฀would฀they฀get฀to฀go฀hunting.฀ In฀this฀way฀the฀General฀became฀an฀agent฀of฀the฀Lord—at฀least฀according฀ to฀what฀folks฀say฀about...