Counted Out: Same-Sex Relations and Americans' Definitions of Family

1. Family Counts

1 Chapter 1 Family Counts F amily counts. That is, a family counts for its members and for its inextricable ties to other institutions. It counts for society at large because it represents a major conduit through which cultural knowledge flows from one generation to the next and beyond, and because it is a means by which necessary goods are distributed to members of society. Family and society are so interwoven that arguably, without family, we would have no society. Virtually all socialization theories see familial influence as pivotal from childhood to adulthood. Inequality also has deep roots within family. Scholars representing diverse theoretical leanings agree that family confers advantages and disadvantages that are difficult to erase (Becker 1980; Bourdieu and Passeron 1977; Coleman 1988; Featherman and Hauser 1978). In addition, family is the group that people often turn to in moments of triumph and moments of failure. An abundant literature dating back at least to the sociologist Émile Durkheim (1897/1977) contends that family is a primary institution into which people feel socially integrated and that this connectedness is consequential for the well-being of family members and the well-being of society. Although we should be careful not to valorize family reflexively, we cannot deny the major role that family plays in fulfilling objectives that range from sheer survival to personal well-being—or the failure to do so. The appreciation of family as a societal cornerstone is one reason why the academic and public debate over “family decline” or “family change” is so spirited and controversial. The numerous realms in which it matters make the study of family a genuinely interdisciplinary arena. Scholars who study it come from the arts and humanities, public health, psychology, anthropology, political science, economics, communication , sociology, evolutionary sciences, and beyond. The scholarship across disciplines on the impact of family underscores its relevance in virtually every corner of social life. In other words, family counts. There is another way in which “family” counts: what we collectively 2    Counted Out define and accept as family has far-reaching implications. The boundaries that we—and others—make between family and nonfamily play both subtle and not-so-subtle roles in our daily lives. Imagine, for example , a recently married couple who plan to host their first Thanksgiving dinner, only to be told by their parents that they will not attend this dinner because the married couple is “not yet a family”—a signal that they consider children a requirement to become a family, and perhaps less than subtle hint that they expect grandchildren. Or consider a gay male couple who have lived together for fifteen years and who find themselves unsure about how to complete the question “number of family members traveling with you” on a customs declaration form while traveling abroad. Or imagine a lesbian who has requested a bereavement fare from an airline to attend the funeral for her partner’s mother being told that it is unclear whether she qualifies as a “family member.” Or picture an empty-nest married heterosexual couple who are contemplating a move from their large house in a “single-family residential zone” to a smaller condominium because they no longer need so much room, let alone a “family room.” These scenarios—some based on our own experiences—are far from unique. References to family and various implied or explicit definitions of family are ubiquitous in our everyday lives—from signs for “family” restrooms in public buildings (typically portraying a stick-figure family of a man, a woman, and one or more children) to brochures describing “family” care or benefits at universities and other workplaces (some prominently displaying a prototypical father-mother-child family and others offering a more varied visual representation of family). These depictions often embody and perpetuate what some scholars refer to as heteronormative conceptions of “the family” that privilege marriage, the presence of children, gendered roles, and especially heterosexual relationships (Berkowitz 2009; Bernstein and Reimann 2001b). This representation of the Standard North American Family (SNAF)—as characterized by the Canadian sociologist Dorothy Smith (1993)— serves as a yardstick against which other living arrangements are measured and consequently are seen as “lesser” families, or not as family at all. Messages about family are heard in various venues. We hear of “family hour” on television; “family day,” “family vacations,” and “family night” at restaurants; “family visitation hours” at hospitals; “familyfriendly ” governmental policies; “pro-family” advocacy groups; and “family values.” These messages give preference not only to...