Counted Out: Same-Sex Relations and Americans' Definitions of Family

6. Discounting Sex: Gender, Parenting, and Definitions of Family

137 Chapter 6 Discounting Sex: Gender, Parenting, and Definitions of Family I n the previous chapter, we saw that Americans’ views about the etiology of sexual preference are intertwined with their definitions of family. When respondents attributed sexual preference to external factors beyond individual control, including genetics and “God’s will,” they were more likely to express a wide-ranging view of family that included same-sex couples. By contrast, those who endorsed the idea that sexuality is “controllable” and sexual preference is due to parenting or environmental factors were much more restrictive in whom they counted as family. Among the most conservative members of our study, parents matter because it is their duty to shield their children from engaging in intimate unions that, for many Americans, carry social disapproval. What, then, are their views regarding how parents matter? In this chapter, we build on what we previously observed about parenting , but here we move on to the question of gender. More specifically , we address whether views regarding gender and parenting are linked to Americans’ definitions of family by examining the perceived relative importance of fathers and mothers and whether these perceptions vary by the sex of the child. In 2003, respondents were asked whether in a single-parent household girls are better off living with their mother or father and whether boys are better off living with their mother or father. These questions tap into the importance of gender by assessing not only which gender is considered a better custodial parent but also whether a gender match between parent and child matters. Interviewees were then asked to elaborate on the reasons behind their preferences. Some social scientists contend that single-parent families, not unlike 138    Counted Out same-sex families, challenge heteronormative assumptions that exalt the heterosexual, gendered nuclear family (Bernstein and Reimann 2001b). But our main interest is not in Americans’ views about singleparent families per se. Rather, by focusing on single-parent homes, we can assess how respondents evaluated the well-being of children in structurally equivalent families that differ on two simple dimensions: the residential parent’s gender and the child’s gender. In effect, we asked our respondents to arbitrate who should be awarded custody or what should be the presumptive standard in custody decisions. Custody decisions pose a quintessential Solomonic dilemma that often requires turning a child over to one parent and not the other. Resolutions to this dilemma of choosing between parents can reveal a great deal about gender norms regarding both parents and children. The link between gender attitudes and homosexism (or homophobia, or sexual prejudice) has been theorized and documented in a number of articles (Britton 1990; Herek 1988; Pharr 1988; Polimeni, Hardie, and Buzwell 2000). Determining which living arrangements Americans prefer, and understanding why they favor them, allows us a glimpse into how individuals think and talk about gender—and, at least indirectly, about sexuality. Americans’ responses capture various child-rearing philosophies regarding how boys and girls should be socialized and how mothers and fathers should behave in their roles as parents. Equally if not more importantly, we contend that the distinctions that Americans make between fathers and mothers and between sons and daughters are also implicated in their views on homosexuality and, in turn, the boundaries they draw between families and nonfamilies. For that reason , we return at the end of the chapter to our main theme—who is counted as family and who is counted out?—to see whether family definitions are associated with gendered views about child custody. Child Custody: What Is Best for the Child? The debate over what is best for children is hardly new. This issue not only is one of the most disputed matters in scholarship today but also is a highly contentious point of debate in the public arena. Certainly, much debate regarding same-sex couples—and, in particular, the extension of marital and parental rights to same-sex couples—centers on the question of whether children are better off living with a mother and father and, by extension, whether gay men and lesbians make “bad” parents. Recent court cases that favor or oppose prohibitions of same-sex marriage at the state level are telling. For example, in Andersen v. King County, which upheld a Washington state law banning same-sex Discounting Sex    139 marriage, Justice Barbara A. Madsen of the Washington Supreme Court wrote that it is reasonable to...