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19 Close Relationships and Quality of Life David G. Myers As social animals, we humans have a powerful urge to belong-to feel attached to others in close relationships . Our human connections bind infants protectively to their caregivers and enhanced our ancestors' survival. When needs for close relationships are met, through supportive friendships or marriage, people enjoy better physical and emotional quality of life. Cultural andgender variations in social connectedness reveal both benefits and costs of Western individualism . As individualism has increased, and the bonds of marriage and informal networks have decreased , concern hasgrown for the well-being ofchildren and civil society. Communitarians therefore argue for policies that balance individualism with community, and personal rights lvith social responsibilities . I get by with a little help from my friends. -John Lennon and Paul McCartney, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, 1967 Do CLOSE, supportive, intimate human connections enhance quality of life? Western cultures offer mixed messages. On the one hand, we fret over supposedly addictive , dysfunctional relationships. Pop psychology books warn us against the yoke of "codependent " connections, marked by too much support and loyalty to a troubled partner at the cost of one's own self-fulfillment. Recognizing that the "chains" of marriage and the "shackles" of commitment can put us in "bondage," we are advised to give priority to enhancing our own identity and self-expression. "The only question which matters ," declared Carl Rogers (quoted by Wallach and Wallach 1985), "is, 'Am I living in a way which is deeply satisfYing to me, and which truly expresses me?'" On the other hand, we yearn to be liked and loved. Asked, "What missing element would bring you happiness?" the most frequent answer is, "Love" (Freedman 1978). When college students were asked, "What wouJd make you happywinning millions in the loneI)', achieving fame/ prestige in your career, enjoying physical pleasures (sex, food, drink), or falling (or staying) in love with your ideal mate?" 78 percent picked love as their first choice (Pettijohn and Pettijohn 1996). THE HUMAN NEED TO BELONG We humans feel motivated to eat, to drink, to have sex, and to achieve. But being what Aristotle called "the social animal," we also have a need to belong, to feel connected with others in enduring, close relationships. Roy Baumeister and Mark LeaI)' (1995) identifY functions of this basic human motive. Aiding Survival Social bonds boosted our ancestors' survival rate. For both children and adults, bonding was adaptive . By keeping children close to their caregivers, attachments served as a powerful survival impulse. As adults, those who formed attachments were more likely to come together to reproduce and to stay together to nurture their offspring to maturity . Groups shared food, provided mates, and helped care for children. Survival also was enhanced by group members' cooperation. In solo combat, our ancestors were not the toughest predators. But as hunters they learned that six hands were better than two. Those who foraged in groups also gained protection from predators and enemies. There was strength in numbers. If, indeed, those who felt a need to belong survived and reproduced most successfully, their genes would in time predominate. The inevitable result: an innately social creature. Wanting to Belong The need to belong colors our thoughts and emotions . People spend much time thinking about their actual and hoped-for relationships. When relationships form, we often feel joy. Falling in mu- Close Relationships and Quality ofLife 375 tual love, people have been known to get cheekaches from their irrepressible grin. Asked, "What is necessal)' for your happiness?" or, "What is it that makes your life meaningful?" most people mention -before anything else-satisfying close relationships with family, friends, or romantic partners (Berscheid 1985). Short-term, superficial relationships alone do not satisfy. Prostitutes report having many physically intimate interactions with interesting people and without the yoke of ongoing obligations. Yet such interactions do not satisfy, prompting a quest for more lasting bonds, sometimes even selfdestructive ties to procurers (McLeod 1982). When brothel rules aim to maximize brief contacts and prevent long-term relationships, many prostitutes object, preferring lengthier and repeated contacts, even at the cost of reduced earnings (Symanski 1980). Because of our pan-human quest for enduring, close relationships, new social bonds are typically marked by celebration. When we marl)', have a child, gain a new job, or join a fraternity, sorority, or religious community, we mark the event with food, ritual, or parties. People in eveI)' human society belong to groups and prefer and favor "us...

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