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four . . . . . Hollywood Babylon We returned from Texas filled with regret. Lynn had sampled a little bit of it while missing out on Asylum but gulped down a bitter helping when we failed to meet Ackles in Texas. All the way back to the East Coast, and for weeks after, she berated herself for choosing pancakes over Jensen on opening night and for returning home rather than staying for additional nights (and thus additional opportunities for in-person meetings). The regret was painful. At the time, plenty of things in our lives were stressful, and the heady feeling of forgetting about all that stress and enjoying fannish euphoria instead was hard to give up. Both of Lynn’s children were at a difficult transition time, she was contemplating a job change to another university, and her partner had just started a new professional practice. Stress, it seemed, was everywhere she turned— except in the safe, exciting, liberating, satisfying space of fandom. Lynn’s decision to do the responsible thing (by not staying in Fort Worth even longer) instead of the fannish thing felt logical and “right” and at the same time emotionally “wrong.” In retrospect, the addiction model isn’t entirely inapplicable here. Giving up a coping strategy, when it’s the only one working for you, is both difficult and painful. It took Lynn months to get past the resentment of missed opportunities. Every time she read a fan’s report of meeting Ackles at A Few Good Men or saw a video of the actor smiling and signing autographs, relaxed and happy (and wearing only a tight white T-shirt, just to twist the knife), Lynn felt literally sick with envy. “What’s the matter with you?” her daughter asked, frowning. “You got to go to this really cool thing, you should be happy.” 60 chapter four “Why are you still even thinking about that quote-unquote missed opportunity ?” Doug asked, frowning even more. “It’s over. Let it go.” This seemed like good advice. Unfortunately, it was easier said than done. Lynn felt guilty, yet she kept wishing that she’d done things differently and wondered if she’d get another chance. The intensity of that discomfort left a lasting impression. Lynn tacked a saying up on her office wall as a reminder . “Deathbed words: I went to too many concerts. Said no one ever.” Substitute “fan conventions” for concerts, and the message rang true. Lynn vowed to reach out and grab whatever opportunities presented themselves in the future, even if the impulse to do something for herself made her feel more than a little guilty. When your identity is wrapped tightly around doing for others, suddenly prioritizing running off to fan conventions feels like a cosmic shift of gigantic proportions. Lynn felt selfish, but the pull of fandom and the pain of regret were almost as strong. She tried talking about it with her kids and partner, hoping they’d understand. They didn’t. Kathy’s regrets had less to do with missed opportunities to see her favorite actors. By indulging in her fannish passions, she had let her daughter down and feared she had created a rift that would always be achingly open. Her family’s attitude toward what she was doing was always uppermost on her mind and drove her to keep fandom as invisible as possible, adding yet another facet to the fan/academic split that she was already beginning to experience. We coped by focusing on the future. Anticipation in fandom is the antithesis of fannish regret—an emotion to be savored. The next episode, the next convention, the next epic piece of fanfic by your favorite author—there’s always something to look forward to. It’s one of the addictive properties of fandom, the constant desire for more more more. Fandom delivers on some days and not on others, with an intermittent reinforcement schedule that any psychologist can tell you is the most powerful way to keep you coming back for more. While we waited for our next Supernatural fix, we got serious about writing a book about fandom from the inside, in terms that didn’t have to do with erotomanic delusions or stalking behavior. We also got more serious about filling what we saw as a gap in the academic literature on fans. Academics kept writing about the reciprocal relationship between the creative side and the fans. From pop culture references to the creators...

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