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78 P e t e r C l a r k e The Society Of Pardners To Melt Alaska T he third of January, 1959, was a cowboy’s curse of a bad day for Texas. From the Oklahoma border to Cameron County and the tip of the Rio Grande, pardners awoke having to sober up to their first day of being “second biggest.” Alaska had joined the Union. No longer being the biggest, how was Texas to carry on with any straightshooting , self-respecting decency? The friendship between Big and Texas is established upon the fact of Texas being big in the sense of being biggest: The Biggest State in the Union. All the way from trucks to tomboys, everything’s big in Texas because bigger is better and Texas is best being the biggest. Until January 3, 1959 . . . Well, to the question of how Texas might possibly carry on not being the Great Union’s Goliath, there was not a yipping cowboy or ki-aying cowgirl in the land could rightly say. There were some notions, of course: Why not saddle up and expand our border down Mexico’s way? Or, why not bargain with some Canadian Mountie pardners—get ’em to capture Alaska and turn it into some kind of providence or whatever they do up there? Maybe we could bargain with our beef? I donno, pardner, you think Canadians eat beef? Well, if not, they’ve got to like burritos which we’ll have lots of after conquering all of Mexico. In any case, by all indications (cowboy blues, saddle sore sorrows, etc.), Texas suddenly looked like a state with its dignity dismounted and its tail tucked way between its legs, head hanging low with shame. However, with the happiness of a Sunday morning hymn, a rumor in fivepart harmony began to sing throughout the jealous state of second place proportions. The chorus, in various shades of accents and feelings and tunelessnesses , pretty much went something like this: Listen up pardner howdy hey Alaska ain’t so big as they say. Listen up pardner and know Alaska is all made of melting snow! 79 Exactly from whence such a rumor (and such a purty song) did come—a matter of much speculation and disagreement for sure—really doesn’t matter particularly. The important point is the fact that all good Texans (upstanding citizens and outlaws alike) took it to heart like cow fat that Alaska was a cheat: its materials were illegitimate, it was just a big ice cube. So, like the silver medal swimmer who discovers that his rival’s mother is a dolphin, Texas didn’t go sulking in the kiddy pool but was able to maintain a bit of dignity. It’s not fair to have flippers in the family in any friendly competition; it’s not fair to have a state made of chilled precipitation. Considering the importance of Texas’ dignity, and considering the Texas Big hatred which all good Texans harbored in their souls for any bloated state (back off, California), it’s not too difficult to imagine the ease with which Texans were able to overlook evidence which was incongruous with their state anthem (that was, the new icy rumor). Pardner, Alaska is made of snow. You say you seen a picture of trees up there? Pardner, do trees grow in soil made of snow? Course not. Anyhow, there also was another rumor which went along with and maybe even preceded this first one. It went something like this: Due to the big (Texas-style) distance from the equator, the sun looks upon the pale countenance of Alaska in such a reticent school-boy manner during the winter months that its confident million-dollar smile of the summer cannot even hope to affect a blush upon Alaska’s cute, fair cheeks. In other words: The snow never melts in Alaska. Dah-gum! The snow never melts in Alaska, thought pardner Rusty Blake with a shiver one brisk Austin evening, trying to comprehend the profundity of it all. The snow never melts in Alaska. In Alaska, pardner, the snow never melts . . . The words could have been written in the Good Book, such was their overpowering force. Suddenly, pardner Blake jumped to his feet, grabbed his hat, saddled his horse, and rode off into the sunset, hollering at the top of his bull-riding reverberaters, “The snow never melts in Alaska!” Rusty Blake: a notorious Texas cowboy and honest outlaw with some...

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