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Day 3. The Wild Colonial Boy
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119 Day 3. The Wild Colonial Boy Players Opcit Control 1 Control 2 Ish Control 1 Good morning, Yuri Alekseyevich Gagarin Opcit. Today we have some good news and some bad. The Soviet Union is no more. Kaput. Cosmonaut What’s the bad news? Control 1 There’s no money left in the budget to bring you down. Cosmonaut I want to speak to the docent in charge. Control 2 Good morning, Comrade. You must have some questions, but it’s the usual medley of things gone wrong. Frankly your return was a grace note to our program; no one realized it would cost extras of money to bring you down. Control 1 Doubtless you will want to do your own emoting. Tell us what you feel. Cosmonaut What do I feel? This much joy must be illegal. I been space-shot, monkey-jumbled, promised Valhalla, and now you tell me 120 there’s been a rounding error in the cookie dough? How do I feel? If I had the Bomb on board, you and me would be coterminous. Control 2 One’s anger is given to one. The question of achievement, Comrade, is what does one turn one’s anger into? Now you can make of this, if you like, a long, defeatist visit to the wishing well. But I would rather introduce you to an idea magisterial in its simplicity. Why not consider staying aloft indefinitely, a living monument to Socialist Realism? Cosmonaut I like the “living” part. Control 2 So much better than a statue in the Kremlin: Opcit standing there in designated bronze, a subject of constant pigeon residue. Every 90 minutes when you pass overhead, a citizen will say, “Him we set our watches by. One of the venturesome of our time, him they freeze-dried.” Control 1 Columbus sailed from the yachtages of history, so why not you? Control 2 History has room, Comrade, for only one name (except in the case of Lewis and Clark). So I say, “We need more lights. More cameras. And we need action.” (Enter Natasha.) [52.55.214.236] Project MUSE (2024-03-28 16:46 GMT) 121 Ish Ibn, it’s Natasha. I finally found a way into this infernal Cosmodrome. In fact, no one stopped me. The security guards are gone. Cosmonaut Natasha, they want Ibn, an accident parading as a choice, to ride like flotsam this ocean of atmosphere forevermore. Tell them it’s stupid. Ish Isn’t there a drogue chute? Why can’t he come down in America? Control 1 Sorry, we are keeping the mistakes on Soviet soil. Control 2 You expect us to stand here and cry for you because you’re going to die? Well, so are we in 80 boring years or so. Cosmonaut Maybe this passes for humor on the chain gang, but I sit here not sharing the shared assumptions. Ish Now how does he get down? Control 2 Your job, Comrade, is to sit in that capsule and compose. Then to sit in that capsule and decompose. 122 Control 1 Comrade, don’t be the ultimate offended traveler. You’re circling the earth like a wild colonial boy. Cosmonaut You can take that to a tree and tie it up. Control 2 We sent you up there as a public service. Don’t make yourself a public nuisance. Control 1 You weren’t thinking that you would . . . filibuster this frequency. Cosmonaut I do have opinions. That reciprocation, for example, is more than a principle of steam engines. And, by the way: If I say nothing, that means “No.” (The next morning. Control 1 and Ish remain.) Control 1 Control to Cosmonaut, can you hear me? Come in, come in. Cosmonaut The following people have a message. Please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone: Hepatica Overruth, your issue of Screw magazine is ready for pick-up. Spillman Sponneker, your limo is being towed. Control 1 Hello, hello. Comrade, do you read me? [52.55.214.236] Project MUSE (2024-03-28 16:46 GMT) 123 Cosmonaut Corporal Nakumbo, your People will meet you at Information. They brought a rope. Control 1 Ibn, can you hear me? Cosmonaut Welcome to the André Malraux Comedy Hour, and thank you for using Tele-Sincere. How may we help you? Control 1 Good morning, Ibn Opcit. How do you hear me now? Cosmonaut With the forced intimacy of a pay phone in my ear. Control 1 A little volume control...