Family Ethics: Practices for Christians

Chapter Four: Practicing Sexual Fidelity

C H A P T E R F O U R Practicing Sexual Fidelity Why Practices? The first three chapters of this book argue for attention to ordinary life (especially the lives of families), emphasize the union of the personal and the social in Christian theology of marriage and Catholic social teaching, and point to the grace found in human finitude rather than perfection. Having laid the groundwork, in this chapter I turn to analyzing the ordinary through a set of five practices. I could proceed otherwise, through case studies or personal narratives, for instance; however, I have chosen the concept of practice to orient this ethic of ordinary life. Why? My assumption is that intentional practices are necessary if believers are to live out their faith in a culture wedded to other truths. If ordinary middle-class life is marred by a fundamental disengagement from what ought to matter for Christians, living distinctly is not something that can be left to saints and martyrs. The language of practice is associated with the work of philosopher Alisdaire MacIntyre, who upholds the importance of actions that shape human persons in the context of their traditions.1 Stanley Hauerwas builds on MacIntyre’s work and gives his ideas Christian context with a focus on character and discipleship. For Hauerwas, being a disciple of Christ means engaging in specific practices with a Christian community devoted to a particular way of life. The church, Hauerwas claims, must “be a people of virtue—not simply any virtue, but the virtues necessary for remembering and retelling the story of a crucified savior.”2 If we want to be Christian, we must live deliberately out of step with the mainstream by adopting distinctive patterns of life or practices. While marriage is certainly not always a countercultural space, a marriage centered on alternative practices can be, according to Kieran Scott, “a protest against a meaningless, self-centered, commodity-driven life.”3 Building on John F. Kavanaugh’s classic analysis of consumerism in Following Christ in a Consumer Society, Scott outlines five cultural deficiencies and offers five practices of resistance.4 First, to combat a loss of interiority or self-knowledge, he suggests solitude and centering prayer. Second, to counter the loss of solidarity , he commends “wasting time” on the covenantal relationships, giving those we love the gifts of presence and attention. Third, to combat pervasive injustice, he advises increasing our commitment to justice, beginning in the home. Fourth, to counter the craving for consumption, he recommends throwing off cumber and embracing simplicity. And fifth, to prevent a flight from vulnerability that prevents us from fully giving ourselves to both family and those on the margins, he counsels compassion. In all five areas, the intent is to choose practices that will enable Christians to live what Kavanaugh calls the personal form—“a mode of perceiving and valuing men and women as irreplaceable persons whose fundamental identities are fulfilled in covenantal relationship.”5 In the context of this book I consider sex as fundamental to the practices of relationship and compassion , eating as a dimension of practicing relationship and justice, tithing in relation to the practice of simplicity, serving as a way of practicing compassion , and praying as a form centering. All five can be seen as practices of resistance embedded in ordinary life marked by Christian commitments to God and neighbor. Sex may seem a particularly odd choice with which to begin. After all, what does sex have to do with resistance? Can sex be understood as a practice like prayer, fasting, or simplicity? Or, as one of my students asked, “With sex, isn’t it just yes or no?” Though it may seem odd to think about sex in marriage as a fundamental practice of resistance, there are good reasons for 98 Practicing Sexual Fidelity doing so. I understand practice, with Craig Dykstra and Dorothy Bass, as an intentional, shared action, situated in the context of a tradition, ordinary in outward appearances but transcendent in its association with fundamental human goods.6 This understanding of practice allows for a different way of thinking about sex that will allow us to imagine what sort of sex life married couples could have and ponder what goods they ought to seek. Fidelity to a practice of sex in marriage that is oriented to relationship and compassion could be a powerful response to the loss of solidarity and flight from...