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210 Seven Types of MLA Interview Committees . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Should you be so lucky as to score interviews for a teaching position , you’ll most likely have to fly to some far-​ flung city for the Modern Language Association conference, where the first rounds of interviews typically take place. My sympathies go out to victims of natural disasters, abused animals , and first-​ time MLA interviewees. My first MLA was in December of 1988. I was twenty-​ three and, oblivious to what I was getting myself into, bought a suit off-​ the-​ rack at J. C. Penney with my last valid credit card and then took the train from Chicago to New Orleans, where the MLA conference was held that year. In the many years since that awful week, I have been to five or so MLA conferences for interviews. I wish that I could tell the fresh-​ faced interviewee not to worry, that the more interviews you do, the easier it gets, but I would be lying. What I’ve come to realize, however, is that you’re likely to be interviewed by several different types of groups. The list below is a guide for the uninitiated, with the hope that it eases the pain. The Partiers Without question, these interviewers are the most enjoyable. Here we have a committee that looks like it just returned from happy hour. Everything you say is either hilarious or profound. Even though the college isn’t what you had in mind—the course load is frightening , the class limits are exploitative, and the location is in a state you fear driving through—you begin imagining yourself working with these people. You like them, and it appears that they, unlike every other place you’ve ever worked, like each other. They’re unpretentious . They tell good stories. This one, you conclude, is in the bag. On your way out, they slap your back and squeeze your arm. But don’t be fooled: You’ll probably never hear from them again. As with real happy hours, everyone is a friend or buddy until they step out of the room, at which point they are quickly forgotten. In this interview scenario, it’s good to remember that you have only temporarily stumbled into the fold; you are not in the fold. Employment for Writers 211 The Sad Sacks This interview takes place off the beaten path, at a Days Inn far from the main conference hotel or at a table in the main hotel’s commons area. Usually, someone is vacuuming nearby. These are all bad signs. Their department either can’t afford to put the committee up at the main hotel, or they were too disorganized to register on time. The interviewers themselves look as though they arrived at MLA via a time machine, their hair and clothes from another era. When the interviewer says, “Everyone in this department wears two hats,” you take it literally.This is the only interview scenario in which you’ll feel bad for the interviewer, but your sympathy will quickly be snuffed out by the fear of a job offer. Brace yourself for that on-​ campus interview invitation. The Clueless In these interviews, no one seems to have looked at your c.v. Oh, sure, it’s right there in front of them, but they’ll start flipping through it, squinting as though someone, having played a joke on them, has slipped your file into the batch of legitimate candidates. For my very first MLA, I had traveled hundreds of miles only to experience such an interview.The department chair glanced at my c.v. and asked, “Do you plan on getting a PhD?” I had only an MFA. Mind you, the position was tenure-​ track. When would I have time to get a PhD? “Well, no,” I said, and I began explaining how the MFA was a terminal degree , blah-​ blah-​ blah.While I was talking, the department chair broke the stem off his watch and spent the remainder of the interview on his hands and knees, crawling on the carpet, looking for the lost part. Another professor carried on with the questions. On my way out, the chair finally stood and wished me luck on my remaining interviews. “Good luck with your watch,” I offered in return. Rule One: Don’t expect the committee to have familiarized themselves with your materials . In fact, you may want to bring a copy of the job description with you to remind them...

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