Mark Twain Speaking

71. The Long Clam

240 MARK TWAIN SPEAKING Barnum / Phineas Taylor Barnum (1818-91). American showman. At the American Museum, New York, he exhibited marvels like the midget, General Tom Thumb, and Jumbo, the elephant. He managed the American tour ofJenny Lind (1850-51), assembled "The Greatest Show on Earth" (1871), and toured the lyceum circuit, lecturing on thrift and temperance. The Siamese twins, Eng and Chang (1811-74), were brought to the United States in 1829, became naturalized citizens and married sisters. Mr. Chang Riley / James Whitcomb Riley (1849-1916). American poet. He is best remembered for his vernacular poems, which made him known as "The Hoosier Poet" in such collections as The Old Swimmin' Hole (1883), Old-Fashioned Roses (1888), Home Folks (1900), and others. He was a skillful storyteller, highly praised by Mark Twain in "How to Tell a Story." Mr. Eng Nye / Edgar Wilson Nye (1850-96). American humorist. Writer ofhumorous sketches for western papers and founder of the Laramie, Wyoming, Boomerang (1881), he was also a speaker who toured with Riley (1886, 1889). Examples of Nye's humor are Bill Nye's History ofthe United States (1894), and BillNye's History ofEngland (1896). fire assay / A method of determining the proportions of gold, silver, and base metals in a mass of ore. See Mark Twain's explanation, chapter 36 of Roughing It; also his article, "Silver Bars-How Assayed ," written for the Virginia City Territorial Enterprise, reprinted in the Stockton, California, Independent, February 26, 1863.· 71 · Augustin Daly andAlbert M . Palmer were hosts at a midnight supper honoring Edwin Booth for his gift to the Players Club of the property at 16 Gramercy Park, New York. Tables were arranged like a five-pointed star, the arms radiatingfrom a circular mass of roses. Among the eighty guests were Dion Boucicault, Nat Goodwin, John Gilbert, Lawrence Barrett, General Porter, Constant Coquelin, Stephen H. Olin, St. Gaudens, Depew, and General Sherman. Next morningthe Times said that toward the end ofthe affair, which went on till dawn, "General Porter dropped gracefully into poetry and W. W. Winter fell into it with a dull thud, and afterward shed tears on Edward MARK TWAIN SPEAKING 241 Harrigan's neck." In an autobiographical dictation of December 28,1906, MTP, Mark Twain says that he was not there because ofillness, hence did not speak. Yet the Times reported him as present, and gave a briefsummary ofhis talk. The Long Clam Supperfor Edwin Booth, Delmonico's, New York, March 30,1889 Although I am debarred from making a speech, by circumstances which I will presently explain, I yet claim the privilege of adding my voice to yours in deep and sincere welcome and homage to Edwin Booth; of adding my admiration of his long and illustrious career and blemishless character; and thereto my gratification in the consciousness that his great sun is not yet westering, but stands in full glory in the zenith. I wish to ask your attention to a statement, in writing. It is not safe or wise to trust a serious matter to offhand speech-especially when you are trying to explain a thing. Now, to make a clean breast, and expose the whole trouble right at the start, I have been entertaining a stranger; I have been at it two days and two nights, and am worn, and jaded, and in fact defeated. He may be known to some of you. He is classified in natural history as the Long Clam, and in my opinion is the most disastrous fish that swims the sea. If you don't know him personally, let him alone; take him at hearsay, and meddle no further. He is a bivalve. When in his ulster, he is shaped like a weaver's shuttle, but there the resemblance ends; the weaver's shuttle travels, but the Long Clam abides; and you can digest a weaver's shuttle, if you wait, and pray. It is your idea, ofcourse, to entertain yourself with the Long Clam, so you lay him on a bed ofcoals; he opens his mouth like a carpet sack and smiles; this looks like mutual regard, and you think you are friends, but it is not so; that smile means, "it is your innings now-I'll see you later.H You swallow the Long Clam-and history begins. It begins, but it begins so remotely, so clandestinely that you don't know it. You have several hours which you can't tell from repose. Then you go to...