Mark Twain Speaking

42. Papyrus Club

148 MARK TWAIN SPEAKING intended to discredit Garfield among American workingmen, was a forgery, allegedly perpetrated by one of the editors of Truth. no resurrection / Mark Twain's pronouncement was premature. Indeed , he himself took part in reviving the Democratic party in the next presidential campaign of 1884. -42The Papyrus Club of Boston was composed chiefly of literary men and journalists. On Ladies Night, the gentlemen strove to provide something special for theirfeminine guests. Mark Twain was a good choice. The Times reported, February 25, 1881: "The after-dinnerfeatures included the reading ofa new and dainty poem, sentfrom Londonfor the occasion, byJames Russell Lowell, a finely drawn speech by E. P. Whipple, largely a eulogy ofGeorge Eliot, a speech by Mark Twain, and several short poems by members ofthe club~ne by Robert Grant to the ladies, and another by John Boyle O'Reilly." Dinner Speech Papyrus Club, Annual Ladies Night, Revere House, Boston, February 24,1881 Ladies and gentlemen: I am perfectly astonished-a-s-t-o-ni -s-h-e-d-Iadies and gentlemen-astonished at the way history repeats itself. I find myself situated at this moment exactly and precisely as I was once before, years ago, to ajot, to a tittle-to a very hair. There isn't a shade of difference. It is the most astonishing coincidence that ever-but wait. I will tell you the former instance, and then you will see it for yourself. Years ago I arrived one day at Salamanca, New York, eastward bound; must change cars there and take the sleeper train. There were crowds of people there, and they were swarming into the long sleeper train and packing it full, and it was a perfect purgatory of dust and confusion and gritting of teeth and soft, sweet, and low profanity. I asked the young man in the ticket office if I could have a sleeping MARK TWAIN SPEAKING 149 section, and he answered "No!" with a snarl that shriveled me up like burned leather. I went off, smarting under this insult to my dignity, and asked another local official, supplicatingly, if I couldn't have some poor little corner somewhere in a sleeping car, and he cut me short with a venomous "No, you can't; every corner's full. Now, don't bother me any more." And he turned his back and walked off. My dignity was in a state now which cannot be described. I was so ruffled that-well, I said to my companion, "If these people knew who I am they-" but my companion cut me short there and said, "Don't talk such folly. If they did know who you are, do you suppose it would help your high mightiness to a vacancy in a train which has no vacancies it it? Ah, me! If you could only get rid of 148 pounds of your self-conceit, I would value the other pound of you above the national debt." This did not improve my condition any to speak of, but just then I observed that the colored porter of a sleeping car had his eye on me. I saw his dark countenance light up. He whispered to the uniformed conductor, punctuating with nods and jerks toward me, and straightway this conductor came forward, oozing politeness from every pore, and said, "Can I be of any service to you? Will you have a place in the sleeper?" "Yes," I said, "and much obliged, too. Give me anything -anything will answer." He said, "We have nothing left but the big family stateroom, with two berths and a couple of armchairs in it, but it is entirely at your disposal. Here, Tom, take these satchels aboard." Then he touched his hat and we and the colored Tom moved along. I was bursting to drop just one little remark to my companion, but I held in and waited. Tom made us comfortable in that sumptuous great apartment, and then said, with many bows and a perfect affluence of smiles, "Now, is dey anything you want, sah? 'Case you kin have jes' anything you wants. It don't make no difference what it is." I said, "Can I have some hot water and a tumbler at nine tonight-blazing hot, you know-about the right temperature for a hot Scotch punch?" "Yes, sah, dat you kin; you kin 'pen on it. I'll get it myse'f." "Good! Now that lamp is hung too high. Can I have a...