Mark Twain Speaking

10. The Reliable Contraband

38 MARK TWAIN SPEAKING Orphans have to be washed! And it's no smalljob either for they have only one wash tub and it's a slow business. They can't wash but one orphan at a time! They have to be washed in the most elaborate detail, and by the time they get through with the sixty, the original orphan has to be washed again. Orphans won't stay washed! I've been an orphan myself for twenty-five years and I know this to be true. There is a suspicion of impurity and imposition about many ostensibly benevolent enterprises, but there is no taint of reproach upon this for the benefit of those little waifs upon the sea of life and I hope your benevolence will not stop here. In conclusion I thank you for the patience and fortitude with which you have listened to me. Text / Cleveland Leader, January 23, 1869. your benevolence / The press reported that the benefit lecture yielded $807.· 10 · By 1869 Mark Twain was well started on the way to the eminence he later achieved as an after-dinner speaker. He had embarked on a banqueting career that became more strenuous as he became more famous, and that continued almost to the end of his life. For some unknown reason, however, he did not attend the dinner of the New York Press Club to respond to the toast to the "Reliable Contraband," given below. Although he said he intended to deliver the speech "extemporaneously," it was read by proxy. The Reliable Contraband New York Press Club Dinner, Delmonico's, June 5,1869 Mr. President and gentlemen: I thank you most heartily-I, that is I-I am happy in being considered worthy to-to-in truth, gentlemen , I am unprepared to make a speech-this call is entirely unexpected , I assure you-I did not expect it-that is, I did not expect to be called upon-if I had expected to be called upon I would have prepared myself, but not ex-being, as I may say, entirely unprepared MARK TWAIN SPEAKING 39 and not expecting it, it is entirely unexpected to me, and I am entirely unprepared. But I thank you very kindly, I assure you. However, at this moment a thought occurs to me. I will offer a sentiment, and preface it with a few subsequent remarks which I hope to be able to make in the interim, if the theme shall chance to suggest to me anything to say. I beg that you will fill your --- (Private memorandum-To recollect to take notice, at this point, whether these fellows are drinking out of gourds, goblets, jugs, or what they are drinking out of, and so not make any stupid blunder and spoil the effect of the speech.) and join me in a toast: To One whose eminent Services in time ofgreat national peril we gratefully acknowledge-whose memory we revere-whose death we deplore-the journalist 's truestfriend, the late "Reliable Contraband." Mr. President and gentlemen: It is my painful duty to mar these festivities with the announcement of the death of one who was dear to us all-our tried and noble friend, the "Reliable Contraband." To the world at large this event will bring no sorrow, for the world never comprehended him, never knew him as we did, never had such cause to love him-but unto us the calamity brings unutterable anguish, for it heralds the loss of one whose great heart beat for us alone, whose tireless tongue vibrated in our interest only, whose fervent fancy wrought its miracles solely for our enrichment and renown. In his time, what did he not do for us? When marvels languished and sensation dispatches grew tame, who was it that laid down the shovel and the hoe and came with healing on his wings? The Reliable Contraband. When armies fled in panic and dismay, and the great cause seemed lost beyond all hope ofsuccor, who was it that turned the tide of war and gave victory to the vanquished? The Reliable Contraband . When despair hung its shadows about the hearts of the people and sorrow sat upon every face, who was it that braved every danger to bring cheering and incomprehensible news from the front? The Reliable Contraband. Who took Richmond the first time? The Reliable Contraband. Who took it the second time? The Reliable Contraband. Who took it every time until the last, and then felt the...