Joss and Gold

Nine

Nine Chester had expected a little girl, but Suyin w", already taller than her mother. Perhaps that wasn't surprising , since he had been one of the tallest boys in his high school. He had thought she would have been immediately recognizable , like his sister would have been had she survived infancy. Fair and pink, gold-red hair, straight high nose, and finely etched lips. "A rosebud," Mother had said to a visiting neighbor a long time ago, when he was about five. He had never forgotten the word, because Mother hardly ever spoke about her. The doubled sound, rosebud, lingered as a mysterious effect. He had not known what a rosebud looked like when he first heard her say it. Then it took on the folded shape of a pink flower when, a few months later, he accompanied her to a florist and the woman at the shop asked, "Do you want some roses?" His mother had replied, "Oh, aren't they the sweetest rosebuds?" gesturing to the leafless stems from which single creased heads of infant roses sprang. But she bought the spicy scented freesias instead, burying her nose among the blooms hanging like orange bells from stalks just bursting out of spring bulbs. Closed in, meshed petals, crimson bleeding into black: dark red rosebuds were Meryl's favorite flowers. Each time she carried some home from the Chilean florist on First Avenue he felt a pang, as he had at the moment ofthe first sounding ofthe word, LANDING for what had stood between him and only-childhood-not even a remembered ghost of a sister, but an image of a flower. Disappointment stirred at this memory. "Suyin," the child announced herself prosaically. Her color was all Asian-brown and ochre mixed, like a tropical clay, no leaden gray or chalk. She was sun-colored brown, pecanshelled , and her hair appeared dark, Chinese, in the low-lit cafe. He saw that she needed braces; her large teeth crowding in a small mouth would need expensive orthodontic repair to straighten the haphazard angles. Her eyes would not meet his. He found them small at first, but once she gazed at him fully he saw that they were round, with broad whites and shiny green-hazel irises the color of his. The pulse in his chest hurt like after too much exercise. He had not felt so much hurt even after the last argument with Meryl.This time, the hurt was with himself. Through the cafe noise, he said things about the food, about his English language use research. It was like talking above the engine sounds ofplanes landing on every side. A roar inside his body echoed outside in the bass voices of the white men in the cafe. He heard a French accent, some Californian, tones like German or Norwegian, lots of British-flat and broad vowels , the high-pitched nervy jingly paces of women. The women were all speaking English. "Yes, lah. So Susan say what for." "True-Ioh, my boss don't give me day off." "My mother like chocolate, meh. We buy Col' Storage." Chester watched Suyin scoop the ice cream, shiny stuffdripping off the small bowl of the spoon. She was a dainty eater and took a long time finishing it. By then he was talking recklessly, not understanding why he was asking if she would be interested in a visit to New York. He would have to call Meryl if Suyin accepted. For once he did not know what Meryl would say. He was walking a plank, blindfolded, crossing over to some place he could not see. Nothing would be the same, and his plans, whatever plans he had had with Meryl, were changing even now. He had not wanted to change on returning home in August 1969. The Peace Corps term in Malaysia, cut short, was 221 JOSS and GOLD finally over, like a too-long movie-fascinating in the first few hours, dreadful with smoke and blood in its conclusion. He had wanted reality, the bland clean shampooed middle-class reality that bright energetic Meryl promised. No puddles of darkness, no dark skins, no nasal curses, no sharp unidentifiable smells. Vanilla ice cream. He stroked his thighs thinking of Meryl. The noise in his head subsided. He was able to pay the waiter without, as he'd feared, fumbling for change. "Auntie Ellen is waiting outside," Suyin told him...