The Nearness of Others: Searching for Tact and Contact in the Age of HIV

Passing

16 Diagnosis Passing I recognized early on that, in certain situations, it was better to keep the chaos in my mind safely hidden.In this I was helped by previous experiences of what you might call closetedness, or just discretion. Over the years, being gay, first, and now being HIV positive have given me the required skills with which to figure out when it is better to keep quiet and how to do it. With depression, things are a little different. When you are gay or poz, for example, discretion entails passing, whether explicitly or by omission, for someone or something you’re not; in the case of depression you basically try to pass for you. In a sense, it is a bit like the opposite of the closet—­ yet still the closet. Unable to retrieve my old self buried too deep under the rubble of my past life, I sometimes find it more expedient to play him. ...