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c h a p t e r t w e l v e Memory, Forgetting, and the Present Time Do not cast me off in the time of old age; Do not forsake me when my strength is spent. Psalm 71:9 Anne Basting (2009) argues that our fear of memory loss is greater than it needs to be because memory is the collective possession of the communities in which we participate. Although most scientists and geriatricians believe that there are significant differences between the memory losses associated with so-called healthy aging and those associated with dementia, all persons are continuously losing memories, a process that accelerates with aging. Losing memories— forgetting—is not just inevitable, it is essential to our emotional health. As related in the famous case study by the Russian psychologist A. R. Luria (1968/ 1987), a person who has an exceptional memory for every small detail cannot perform the mental functions necessary for grasping generalities, figurative thinking , and abstractions. In other words, we need to forget certain particularities—to clear them away from consciousness—so we can contemplate the meaning of large, complex, multifaceted ideas. In Chapter 10, we described Miroslav Volf’s images of the “drama of embrace.” Volf (1996) argues that relationships, whether between individuals or societies, cannot be sustained without mutual forgiveness and that genuine forgiveness necessarily entails a kind of forgetting. We must let go of the real or imagined wrong we have suffered and regard it as if it had never occurred or we cannot succeed in reinvesting essential trust in that relationship. Both individuals and societies must overcome fear before they can “forgive and forget” because there is undeniable risk in forgetting. If we forget the offense committed against us, we leave ourselves vulnerable to suffering a similar offense in the future. By remembering the wrongs done to us, we remain vigilant and suspicious, thereby convincing ourselves that we are safe. But the price we pay for such security is high. We will live with constant anxiety and mistrust and, in the case of wrongs one society or nation has perpetrated on another, we will school new generations in fear, even hatred. If we cannot forget the wrongs done to us by others we 184 Aging Together cannot genuinely forgive, and without forgiveness important relationships cannot be renewed or sustained. The relationships with others that define our selfhood are dependent on our ability and willingness to forget. Discussion is now developing about the costs of the Internet’s inability to “forget.” Emails containing confidential information continue to exist on distant servers even after deletion. Arrest records that have been legally expunged remain available to prospective employers through archived newspaper articles. Some fear that that the permanence of information on the Internet is rapidly becoming a barrier to the proper functioning of society because it does not permit us to forget things that are best forgotten. All this is to say that remembering and forgetting are equally essential to emotional health, relationships with others, and a workable society. We do not wish to minimize the real challenges that come with the progressive memory loss that accompanies dementia, but rather to argue that we need to think of remembering and forgetting in corporate as well as individual terms and that some forms of forgetting are not only valuable but essential to individual and societal well-being. Possession of excellent memory abilities is generally considered a blessing, but it may also become a curse. The memory loss associated with dementia does not stand in contrast to normative expectations that everything is, or should be, remembered. Rather, it falls at one end of a continuum of remembering and forgetting. It is the role of friends and communities to preserve the valuable and desirable memories that an individual may lose through accident, disease, or the normal process of aging and to continue to include that individual in the recollection of the important stories of the lives we have shared together. In a related way, friends, families, and communities also need to be able to forget. We have seen too many families split by disputes over the care of an elder diagnosed with dementia who has forgotten the misdeeds and hurtful behaviors of the past but whose adult children cannot forget. People may speak facilely about time healing all wounds, but we know that this is not necessarily true. Paradoxically, however, the illness of dementia can produce...

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