Chaos and All That: An Irreverent Novel

Chapter 10

1 2 3 Dearest Haha, I came back to China thinking I was going to make a new start, but I don’t know how to begin. . . . People leave, come back, leave again. Xiaobo has given up his inheritance, closed his psychological counseling service and gone to Australia to undergo what he calls reform through labor. He says he and his girlfriend are going to prove themselves by making it from scratch. The peasants are all building themselves big houses, but they won’t install toilets or bathrooms. They still hold to the custom of digging a pit away from the house even if they have to freeze their butts off to use it. Yang Fei says that ours is a culture that is obsessed with eating but refuses to think about shitting. . . . I sometimes think I want to have a baby, but I’ve heard that childbirth is hell. I have a friend who just had a baby girl, and when she was giving birth, the doctor hauled the baby out with forceps so that her head looked like an eggplant. . . . You want to know what it’s like here? I’ll give you a list, and you’ll know: skyscrapers, fancy hotels, supermarkets , fast-food joints, joint ventures, new policies, epidemics, nepotism, nude art shows, superstars, doorto -door salesmen, export permits, arranged marriages, perfect couples, rock ’n’ roll, elopement, prostitution, 1 2 4 black-market fiction, modernism, human-meat dumplings , private cars, female infanticide, prophylactic dentistry , tourists, money changers, black-market U.S. dollars, TV ads, firearms, factories, wars, henpecked husbands, abduction and sale of women, female professors , female authors, single-parent families, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Coca-cola, fashion, consumer durables, prizewinning movies, getting rich quick, tours, holidays . . . How do you make a new start anyway? Little Jiang Dear Haha, You can’t be serious about agreeing to Mommy and Auntie marrying themselves off to two old farts they’ve never even met? What are the Huangs coming to? Even my own son isn’t called Huang but has his mother’s surname . This is because my mother-in-law insisted on our being “democratic” and “respecting the wishes of the mother.” Where’s the bloody democracy in that? They tricked me by saying that when we were allowed to have another son we could call that one Huang, but it looks like the one-child policy is here to stay. Seems the Huangs are all washed up. You remember that girl who showed up saying she was from the ancestral home? She just ran off with a bunch of kids who came back from the countryside. Nobody knows where she is, and we think she’s taken our copy of The Red and the Black. How’s the weather in London? Your brother Dear Haha, Women are weird. Wedding invitation enclosed. Old Gu 1 2 5 Antonia? Haha finally woke up. The phone was ringing. She picked up the receiver. “Hey, Haha.” It was Liu Ding. “How’re you doing?” “Did you get the invite?” “Amazing, eh?” “Fantastic!” “Fantastic here too!” “How so?” “I’m pregnant!” “Who’s the father?” “He’s married.” “What?” “I’m going to have the baby.” “What?” “Going to have the baby, bastard or not!” “You sure you know what you’re doing?” “It’ll be chaos and all that, no point thinking about it.” “What’ll you do after?” “After? To be a woman is to be a mother; to love is to sacrifice ; copulation is procreation; self-denial is – ” “Okay, okay. Spare me the bullshit. Just go ahead and have the kid!” “So what are you doing?” “Me?” Haha started tearing up the manuscript of her novel. “An old monk telling a story – ” “More bullshit.” Haha ripped the sheets to shreds one by one. * * * Meanwhile, at the other end of the world, Auntie was watching storytelling: “Our story tells us more of that angelic countenance: that such a handsome youth should grace the world! But hidden 1 2 6 behind that hypocritical smile was a treacherous seducer. ‘I sense your spirit is in some other realm, Master Fang. If you truly love, then I could arrange your union as man and wife.’ As soon as Li Huiniang heard these words, she looked back and saw the old villain in a fury. The beautiful maiden was so alarmed that her heart beat fast, her flesh went cold, her face...