Two And Two: Selected and New Poems

Pituitary Theft

Pituitary Theft good guy: I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way, I can tell you that much. I would much prefer a painless coronary or even cancer so I’d have a chance to say goodbye to my friends. Instead, you twirl that gun like a baton. My stomach throbs from where your thugs continue to kick. bad guy: Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken if you don’t stop your whining. Are you not my strong foe? Fight back, you young kitten, you vulva and vagina. good guy: You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken then you would have seen real violence as I chewed with my mouth open and stuck out my food-laden tongue! I am a real man. Do you think I really care about a chicken’s life? bad guy: Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up! good guy: You are sick, I hope you know that. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries. bad guy (to thugs): Beat him out of recognizable shape! (Then to good guy) Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected! good guy: Ha! You think those glands will really make you rich? Only I know where they keep the hypothalamus and thyroid. (to thug one) Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep! Ouch! 23 bad guy: Thug, stop. (To good guy) What did you say? good guy: I said I know where they keep the hypothalamus and— Suddenly, spider woman swings into the damp chamber. bad guy: Yah-hah, evil Spider Woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination. spider woman: Not so fast, bad guy! Perhaps this is who you are looking for. Do you recognize this dead gynecologist who I carry over my shoulder as easily as a sack of wheat? bad guy and thugs: Your rancid web has smothered another. But why Ralph? He was just an OB doing his job! good guy: Spider Woman, don’t let them make you feel guilty! They’ve stolen the pituitaries! spider woman (whipping out her Uzi): Just as I suspected. bad guy: I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair! thug one: Oh no! Gun wounds again? 24 spider woman: Shut up, all of you! I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. thugs: Please no! Anything but our manhoods! bad guy (to spider woman): Perhaps we can split the pituitaries, my pretty one? Surely, even Spider Woman can be tempted by the thought of making a little gland money on the side? spider woman: Do not dare to bribe me with your stolen body parts! Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants! bad guy: I have been scared shitless too much lately. good guy: Spider Woman, you look lovely today. Would you be so kind as to pull this knife from my arm? One of the thugs has left it in me to fester. spider woman: Yes, my friend. And thank you for noticing my feminine charms. I live in fear that people will recognize that I am really a man, what with my big muscle arm and abundance of facial hair. good guy: Nonsense, Spider Woman. You are a beautiful large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person. spider woman: Yes, we can be sure that giant lizard person is at the bottom of all this pituitary theft! 25 good guy: But first, let us torture and kill the bad guy and his thugs for they have shown meanness. spider woman shoots bad guy and thugs. bad guy: The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? thug one: How can you use my intestines as a gift? spider woman (hurling the gynecologist toward thug one): Die near this already-dead vagina-peering man! good guy: Hurry, Spider Woman. We have no time to waste. There is the anatomy of all Hong Kong to save! 26 ...