American Poetry Now: Pitt Poetry Series Anthology

Paisley Rekdal

0 4 paisLey rekdaL Paisley Rekdal istheauthorof abookof essays,TheNightMyMother MetBruceLee,andthreebooksof poetry,ACrashof Rhinos,SixGirlsWithout Pants,andTheInventionof theKaleidoscope.HerhonorsincludeaNational EndowmentfortheArtsFellowship,aFulbrightFellowship,andseveral PushcartPrizenominations. Photo byTommy Chandler  4 paisLey rekdaL A Pornography TherewasatimewhenIwatchedithappen. Strangerspressedtootherstrangers inonebed,clotheson,airhumid withthecloyingscentof fruitjuice andvodka;noneof us givingintoanotherandyetunwillingtoleavethescene of thatpossibility, pretendingtosleep,actuallysleeping. Thenwakingagaintoslipahand overashoulder,slideafinger insidethewaistbandof askirt;soyoung (weareevennowstill soyoung)inthathotelroom turningbluethenlighterblue. Wewouldn’thavetriedformore: thekiss,thebutton;firm,whiteshape of animageslippedwhollyintothemind, actedupon,dreamedupon, fillingthethinvesselsof thelungs. Earlier,afilm,itsforcedsounds of lovemaking.ThetensionIfeltwinding intothemusclesof someof theothersintheroom. IrememberIleftforawhile. Weallleftforawhile; eventhemusicwasfrightening.How tostripourselveslikethat,point attheplacesthatwerewanted,plucked andpeeled;speakingthewords,hearingthemformus, thenatureof whatwewere andcoulddotoeachother? Themusic,therocking,thesobbing. Themancalledthewomanbypartsof herself. Somelaughedatthis.Iremember Imusthavebeenoneof them. Inthemorning,thehotelroomwasturningwhite. Afterthelongnight,handswereslipping  4 paisLey rekdaL andunslipping,movingovertheflattenedpillows asif inhopessomethingsmallcouldstillsatisfyus. Someoneturnedandlookedatsomeoneelse; weallheardit.Legs shifted,sheetsslidthemselvesdownwaists orshoulders,tightenedagainatthenecks of thosepretendingtosleepastheunblinkingsun crawledinourwindow. Fromanotherroom,coughing. Weallheardit. Someonelookedatsomeoneelse. Theroomturnedwhite.Theairbeganclearing. Dear Lacuna, Dear Lard: I’mhere,onefatcherry blossombloominglikeaclod, onesadgroatglazing,aneedlepulingthread, sowhat,sosueme.Thesedayswhatelsetodobutleer atanyboywithjusttherighthairline.Hey!Isay. That’sonetastypieceof nature.TartDarkling, if IcouldI’dgin,I’dbargain,I’dtakealittletroll thismoolitnight,letyouradishmeawhile, letyougagandconfoundme.HowmuchI’vestruggled withdespicingyou,always;yourfalsepoppets,relentless distances.Yetplea-bargainingandlackof conversation continuetomakeme yourfaithfulindefile.I’mlonely.I’veturned allragetorag,allpratfallsfasttofatfallsforyou, MyFarmerintheDwell.Sostruggle,strife, sostrewme,tobellwiththesecluckingmediocrities,  4 paisLey rekdaL andunslipping,movingovertheflattenedpillows asif inhopessomethingsmallcouldstillsatisfyus. Someoneturnedandlookedatsomeoneelse; weallheardit.Legs shifted,sheetsslidthemselvesdownwaists orshoulders,tightenedagainatthenecks of thosepretendingtosleepastheunblinkingsun crawledinourwindow. Fromanotherroom,coughing. Weallheardit. Someonelookedatsomeoneelse. Theroomturnedwhite.Theairbeganclearing. Dear Lacuna, Dear Lard: I’mhere,onefatcherry blossombloominglikeaclod, onesadgroatglazing,aneedlepulingthread, sowhat,sosueme.Thesedayswhatelsetodobutleer atanyboywithjusttherighthairline.Hey!Isay. That’sonetastypieceof nature.TartDarkling, if IcouldI’dgin,I’dbargain,I’dtakealittletroll thismoolitnight,letyouradishmeawhile, letyougagandconfoundme.HowmuchI’vestruggled withdespicingyou,always;yourfalsepoppets,relentless distances.Yetplea-bargainingandlackof conversation continuetomakeme yourfaithfulindefile.I’mlonely.I’veturned allragetorag,allpratfallsfasttofatfallsforyou, MyFarmerintheDwell.Sostruggle,strife, sostrewme,tobellwiththesecluckingmediocrities,  4 paisLey rekdaL theseanxietiesoversuchbeingsthirty,stillsmitten withthisheavennevermeantfor,neverheardfrom. You’vesaidwe’reeachpockmarkedlikeagolf course withwhatcan’tbesaidof us,bredinus, isn’tourtastypieceof nature.ButItellyou I’vestars,I’vetruebluedepths,havelearnedtouse theloo,thecrew,thewholesloughof pill-popping deviceswithoutyou,yourintelligentandpitilessgraze. Everyoneknowsloveisjustaeuphemism foryou’vefailedmeanyway.Soscrewme. BarteringYam,regardlessof wantI’mnothing withoutscope,hope,nothing withoutyourpossibility.Solet’slaugh likethethieveswearetogether,thesieves: you,myjanusgate,mySigmundFraud, mycrawling,crack-crazedstreetsprawledout, revisible,spell-bound. Hello,joy.I’mthirsty.I’mPastyRectum. InyourabsenceI’velearnedtofillmyself withstarts.Here’smypaters.Here’smyblue. Ijustwantedtowriteagainandsay howmuchI’vefailedyou. Ode Andnowthesilver,rippingsoundof whiteonwhite,thesatin, lightsnowtorn underwheels,carbangmetallygrenading,andthewoodpoles, whipping,loom— • • •  4 paisLey rekdaL theseanxietiesoversuchbeingsthirty,stillsmitten withthisheavennevermeantfor,neverheardfrom. You’vesaidwe’reeachpockmarkedlikeagolf course withwhatcan’tbesaidof us,bredinus, isn’tourtastypieceof nature.ButItellyou I’vestars,I’vetruebluedepths,havelearnedtouse theloo,thecrew,thewholesloughof pill-popping deviceswithoutyou,yourintelligentandpitilessgraze. Everyoneknowsloveisjustaeuphemism foryou’vefailedmeanyway.Soscrewme. BarteringYam,regardlessof wantI’mnothing withoutscope,hope,nothing withoutyourpossibility.Solet’slaugh likethethieveswearetogether,thesieves: you,myjanusgate,mySigmundFraud, mycrawling,crack-crazedstreetsprawledout, revisible,spell-bound. Hello,joy.I’mthirsty.I’mPastyRectum. InyourabsenceI’velearnedtofillmyself withstarts.Here’smypaters.Here’smyblue. Ijustwantedtowriteagainandsay howmuchI’vefailedyou. Ode Andnowthesilver,rippingsoundof whiteonwhite,thesatin, lightsnowtorn underwheels,carbangmetallygrenading,andthewoodpoles, whipping,loom— • • •  4 paisLey rekdaL Ihavealwayswantedtosingasongof praise fortheunscathed:myself steppingfromthefracturedcarwhoseblackaxle'soneinch fromgone;slimpoleslicingcable uptosheetmetal,seatfoam,corduroy (likebutter,themechanicwilllater tellme,pokingastiff fingerthroughthecloth), topiercetheexactpoint Iwassupposedtosit,stopping becausepraisebeginswherepain transfiguresitself, stopperedbyadeeperkindof joy:soI transfiguremyself fromdriver tosurvivor,theblessedLazarinefailure boltingupandopeninghereyes. Andherearethethousandwrecks fromalifeconfiguredinsnowbeforeme:myself, atfive,pulledfromtheburningcarseat; attwelve,bleedingfromthescalp afterthecarthrowsmefrommybike;atfourteen, tumblingovertheslickhoodrushing; socketsof windowswithglass bashedoutintoatranslucent,toothyring;lights andbumpersclippedcleanoff;tiresburst;deer gravitationallyhurledthroughmywindshield;brakes givenoutandworse, theicyloopdeloops onroads,thetrucker’sfatwheelssquealing— Allthewaystechnologyshouldhavekilledme anddidn’t. Praiseformydeath-hungryluck! AndallthemannerinwhichI’vefailedit— marriagelost,  4 paisLey rekdaL buriedintheblanksof whitespace,mysolitude attheGreyhoundstation knowingnoonetoretrieveme, carlessamongtheotherspressedtight totheirowndisasterorboredom— unbearablyyoungmothers, drifters,boysoldiers shouldertoshoulderwiththeinsane,weaving thesamethreadof conversationbackandforth betweenourselves.How couldthishappentome atthisage,atthisstage,how didInotnotice,andwillyouputthisseatup? andwillyoulendmethisquarter?andwillyou callmeacabwhenwegetbackhome? Theyoungmanintheseatbeforeme,head fullof zigzaggingtightbraidssays, SureyoucandigupthatballotboxinFlorida andwhileyou’reatitlookupallthebones buriedintheEverglades,repeatsit fortheamusementof thewomanacrossfromhim, whoknowsapresidentialfailurelikesheknowsherself, andwhenwepassmyaccidentontheroadpoints andwhistles,snickers:Betyounoonewalkedawayfromthatone. Forthis,andforallthesethings:praise tothewhiteplainsof Wyoming,highwaycoiled likealengthof rime-coloredrope;tosnow broilinginthesunlightsothatthelandscape takesonanuclearglow,sobright wehavetoshieldoureyesfromit.Praise formyself playingatmorbidity becauseIthoughtIhadarighttoit asif fleshhadtofollowspirit tosuchapuredepththebonesthemselves couldnotrestbutmustbebroken,nerves singedthenrippedout,theheartclenchedmadlyinitschest. Asif Ihadnothingexceptthiswhiteearth,this smashedcartopraise whatIknewbeforeandknow evenbetternow,thehills coldasahipboneandtuftedwithice.Praise tomyyouthandtomyage,praise toambitionandsmall-mindedness, thekindIrecognizeandthekind Iamsoontorecognize;praise toself-hatredforitkeepsmealive,andpraise forthesplintersof delightthatcanpierceit. Praiseforwoodpole,praiseforglass. Praiseformuscle,praiseforbone. Theskyisbrightasabowlonanurse’stabletoday. Andthesungleamsintoitasourbusslidesby, thelightof usawashof goldilluminating bodieslost,bodiesregained;gleaming likemyhearthere,onthisearth, bloodyandstillbeating.  4 paisLey rekdaL ...