Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

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Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh dayto makethy neighbor keepit wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precariousjurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is reverently recognized, asis manifestin the following deepwater version of the Fourth Commandment: Six days shalt thou labor and do allthou art able, And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrapethe cable. Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance. Sacerdotalist, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is apriest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardiest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians. Sacrament, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which severaldegrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments,but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacraments at all—for which mean economy they will indubitably be damned. Sacred, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character;inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. All things are either sacredor profane. The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; The latter to the devil appertain. Dumbo Omohundro. Safety-clutch, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus. Once I seen ahuman ruin In an elevator-well, And his members was bestrewin' All the placewhere he had fell. And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: cc Your position's so surprisin5 That I tremble for your neck!" Then that ruin, smilin'sadly And impressive, up and spoke: "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, For it's been a fortnight broke." Then, for further comprehension Of his attitude, he begs I will focus my attention On his various arms and legs— How they allare contumacious; Where they each, respective, lie; How one trotter proves ungracious, T'other one an alibi. These particulars is mentioned For to show his dismal state, Which I wasn't first intentioned To specifical relate. None isworser to be dreaded That I ever have heard tell Than the gent's who there was spreaded In that elevator-well. Now this tale is allegoric— It isfigurativeall, For the well is metaphoric And the feller didn'tfell. I opine it isn't moral For awriter-manto cheat, 206 : THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY And despise to wear alaurel As was gotten by deceit. For 'tis Politics intended By the elevator, mind, It will boost aperson splendid If his talent is the kind. Col. Bryan had the talent (For the busted man is him) And it shot him up right gallant Till his head begun to swim. Then the rope it broke abovehim And he painful come to earth Where there's nobody to love him For his detrimented worth. Though he's livin' none would know him, Or at leastwisenot assuch. Moral of this woful poem: Frequent oil yoursafety-clutch. PorferPaoo0. Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old calumniator,Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis de Sales,said, on hearing him called saint: CC I am delighted to hear that Monsieur de Salesisasaint. He wasfond of sayingindelicate things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a perfect gentleman, though a fool." Salacity, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that in...