Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

P

Pagan, n. A benighted person who prefers home-made deities and indigenous religious rites. Pain, n. An uncomfortableframe of mind that mayhaveaphysicalbasisinsomething that is being done to the body, or maybe purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another. Painting, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the samework: the ancients painted their statues.The only present alliancebetweenthe two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. Palace, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress. Palm, n. A species of tree having severalvarieties, of which the familiar "itching palm" (Palma hominis) is most widely distributed and sedulouslycultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece of gold or silver.The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known as "benefactions." Palmistry, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in "reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainlyspell the word "dupe."The imposture consists in not reading it aloud. Pandemonium, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of distinction. Pantaloons, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. Pantheism, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. Pantomime, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language . The least disagreeableform of dramatic action. Pardon, v. To remit a penalty and restore to a life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. Parricide, n. A filial coup de grace whereby one is released from the lingering torments of paternity. Partisan, n. An adherent without sense. Passport, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage. Past, n. That part of Eternity with some smallfraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance.A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike . The one is darkwith sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy.The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yetthe Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one—the knowledge and the dream. Pastime, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility. Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as avirtue. Patriot, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I begto submit that it isthefirst. Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY : 179 O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease...