Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

O

Oath, n. In law,a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury. Oblivion, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy.A dormitory without an alarmclock. Observatory, n. A place where astronomers conjecture awaythe guesses of their predecessors. Obsessed,^. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it isnow. Arasthus tells of apeasant who was occupied by a different devil for every day in the week, and on Sundays by two.They were frequently seen, alwayswalking in his shadow, when he had one,but were finally driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the streets, pursued by a hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap higher than a church spire he escaped into abird. Achaplain in Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The soldier, unfortunately , didnot. Obsolete, adj. No longer used bythe timid. Said chiefly ofwords. Aword which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is everthereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the vo- cabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader. Obstinacy, n. Perverted firmness. Persistence in the objectionable. Constancy to the opposite view. Another's indirect affirmation of one'sfallibility. Obstinate, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal. Occasional, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase "occasional verses," which are verseswritten for an "occasion," such as an anniversary,acelebration or other event. True, they afflict us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to irregular recurrence. Occident, n. The part of the world lyingwest (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries aremurder and cheating, which they arepleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. Occult, adj. Knowable to those only who think it worth knowing. Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man—who has no gills. Offensive, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the advance of an armyagainst its enemy. "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't come out of his works!" Old, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency , as an old man. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an old book. "Old books' The devil take them!" Goby said. "Fresh everyday must be my books and bread." Nature herself approves the Goby rule And givesus everymoment a fresh fool. Harley Shum. Oleaginous, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of BishopWilberforce as"unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stickto him like a second skin. His enemies haveonly to find it. Olympian, adj. Relating to amountain in Thessaly, once inhabited bygods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presenceof the tourist and his appetite. THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY I 173 His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva...