Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

J

J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel—than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which hasbeen but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb^jacere, cc to throw," becausewhen a stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, asexpounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Burner,of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. Jacob's-ladder, n. A ladder which Jacob saw in a dream, reaching from earth to heaven,with angelsascendingand descending. Seeingthat angelshavewings, the purpose of this ladder is so imperfectlyapparent that manylearned commentators had contended that it wasnot areal ladder, but only arayof glory. One cannot help thinking it rather hard on Jacob that he should be required to dream with logical realism. Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. Jealousy, n. The seamyside of love. Jester, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who entered the confessional Disguised, and there confessedher. "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down— My sins are more than scarlet: I love myfool—blaspheming clown, And common, base-born varlet." "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, "That sin, indeed, is awful: The church's pardon is denied To love that is unlawful. "But sincethy stubborn heart will be For him forever pleading, Thou'dst better makehim, by decree, A man of birth and breeding." She made the fool a duke, in hope With Heaven's taboo to palter; Then told apriest, who told the Pope, Who damned her from the altar! BardDort. Jews-harp, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. Jockey, n. A person whose business it is to ride and throw races. Joss-sticks, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. Jove, n. A mythical being whom the Greeks and Romans ridiculously supposed to be the supreme ruler of the universe—unacquainted asthey werewith our holy religion. Joy, n. An emotion variously excited, but in its highest degree arising from the contemplation of grief in another. Judge, n. A person who is always interfering in disputes in which he has no personal interest. An official whose functions, as a great legal luminary recently informed a body of local law-students, very closely resemble those of God. The latter, however, is not afraid to punish Chris. Buckley for contempt , and the former has attained no great distinction asthe hero of popular oaths. Jurisprudence, n. The kind of prudence that keeps one inside the law. THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY : 139 Jury, n. A number of persons appointed by a court to assist the attorneys in preventinglawfrom degenerating intojustice. Against alllaw and evidence, The prisoner was acquitted. The judge exclaimed:"Is commonsense To jurors not permitted:1 " The prisoner's counsel rose and bowed: "Your Honor, why this fury? By law the judge is not allowed To sit upon the jury." Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a rewardfor his allegiance,taxesand personalservice. Jute, n. A plant grown in India, the fruit of...