Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

F

Fable, n. A brief lieintended to illustrate some important truth. A statue of Eve and the Apple was accosted by a hippopotamus on a show-bill. "Give me a bite of your apple," said the hippopotamus, "and see me smile." "I would," said Eve, making a rough estimate of the probable dimensions of the smile, "but I have promised a bite to the Mammoth Cave,another to the crater of Vesuvius, and a third to the interval between the lowest anthropoid Methodist and the most highly organized wooden Indian. I must bejust before I am generous." This fable teaches that Justice and Generosity do not go hand in hand, the hand of Generosity being commonly thrust into the pocket of Justice. Fairy, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies are now believed by naturalists to be extinct, though a clergymanof the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected that his account of it wasincoherent. In the year 1807 atroop of fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a peasant, who had been seen to enter it with abundle ofclothing. The son of a wealthy bourgeois disappeared about the same time, but afterward returned. He had seen the abduction and been in pursuit of the fairies. Justinian Gaux, awriter of the fourteenth century, avers that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. Falsehood, n. A truth to which the facts are loosely adjusted to an imperfect conformity. Family, n. A body of individuals living in one household, consisting of male, female, young, servants, dog, cat, dicky-bird, cockroaches, bedbugs and fleas—the"unit" of modern civilized society. Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Done to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famousaspired. Content:1 Well, his grill has a plating of gold, And his twistings are greatly admired. Hassan Brubuddy. Fanatic, n. One who overestimates the importance of convictions andundervalues the comfort of an existence free from the impact of addled eggs and dead cats upon the human periphery. Farce, n. A brief drama commonly played after a tragedy for the purpose of deepening the dejection of the critical. Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. A king there was who lost aneye In some excessof passion; And straight his courtiers alldid try To follow the new fashion. Each dropped one eyelid when before The throne he ventured, thinking 'Twould pleasethe king. That monarch swore He'd slay them allfor winking. What should they do? They were not hot To hazard such disaster; They dared not close an eye—dared not See better than their master. Seeing them lacrymose and glum, A leech consoled the weepers: He spread small ragswith liquid gum And covered half their peepers. The court allwore the stuff, the flame Of royal anger dying. THE UNABRIDGED DEVIL'S DICTIONARY : 77 That's how court-plaster got its name Unless I'm greatly lying. Naramy Oof. Father, n. A quarter-master and commissary of subsistence provided by nature for our maintenance in the period before we havelearned to live byprey. Fatigue, n. The condition of a philosopher after having considered human wisdom and virtue. Fault, n. One of my offenses, asdistinguished from one of yours, the latter being crimes. Faun, n. In Latin mythology, a kind of rural deity. The godhood of the Fauns was pretty nearlya sinecure, their duties consisting mainlyin having pointed ears and liaisons with the nymphs. There were lady fauns (fauna) and these fawned on...