My Bird

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17 7 I call Shadi. She doesn’t answer. With all the noise coming from the parking lot, I can’t hear her. I look out the window. Shadi is not there. I send Shahin to look for her. Shahin returns, holding on to her arm tightly, and tugging at her. Shadi is screaming. ”I told you to find her, not to beat her up!” I sit Shadi in front of me and give her a little lecture— what Maman should have done with me and never did. If I wanted to say something, I would pace up and down the room seven or eight times. I felt my heart in my throat and could not talk because it seemed like my words were stuck at the bottom of a deep well. I have to teach Shadi to be careful. Maybe someone will show kindness to her. There are a hundred types of kindness , and she should know the difference. I want to teach her to watch out for the big boys who are going in and out of the building all the time. I don’t know how to tell her tactfully that someone might want to touch her body. That she should scream. Shahin asks, “Why, Maman?” “Because it is important.” The kids look at me. I grab Shadi’s doll, and squeeze her stomach. The doll cries. I say, “Like this.” 18 | Fariba Vafi I take the battery out of the doll and squeeze it again. I say, “See, if you don’t make a sound, you are as bad as a doll without a battery, without a heart. Then it is possible to hurt you because nobody will even find out.” I hit the doll hard. Pull on her hair, and ask Shadi, “Do you understand?” I sound too harsh. Shahin is looking at me approvingly, but Shadi bursts into tears. I caress her hair and the doll’s, and end my speech. Shadi starts talking, “Ida buys fruit roll ups and ice cream; she buys candy. But I don’t have any money.” I feel like a defeated speaker who has talked about art for an hour to hear the audience ask questions about economics. “Ida has sunglasses. She has a bicycle, but I don’t have anything.” I tell Shadi that she has a lot of things too. Shahin says, “She doesn’t have any brains.” Shadi says, “You don’t have any.” Shahin has found an excuse. He is getting ready to attack. “Come on. Tell me what I don’t have?” Shadi opens up her fist and laughs. “Nothing.” ...