The Gay Baby Boom: The Psychology of Gay Parenthood

7. Creating a Family

[7] Creating a Family e were eager to explore how gay and lesbian parents came to become parents in the first place-not only how it came about, but what their decision-making process had been, what options they had considered, and what kind of responses to their plans they had received from others. Whether as a gay or lesbian couple choosing to have its own child, a single adult deciding to adopt a child, or a divorced parent electing to enter into a gay or lesbian relationship, these parents did not create their families in the usual way. We asked them to tell us how they did it. Coming Out First, Having Children Second: Families Begun in a Gay or Lesbian Relationship Frequently, lesbian mothers and gay fathers said that their desire to have children was something they discussed from very early on in their relationship with their partners. On average, 88 W the lesbian mothers had been together for five years before they had or adopted a child. The gay fathers had been together , on average, even longer before starting their family: seven years. They had often discussed the possibility for many years before actually beginning the process. We talked about it from the start of our relationship. My partner had always wanted kids; I needed to be persuaded. We decided after I had gotten tenure that we would actually begin the process seriously (about eight years into the relationship). I have always wanted to raise children, as has my partner. We talked about it on our first date. We began discussing having children shortly after we met seven years ago, and we began actively seeking sperm donors about two years ago. I knew I wanted to have children long before our relationship. It took some convincing of my partner, since she had never considered it an option before. It was a joint decision when we started the process one year into our relationship. I had initially wanted children but then decided against it for fear of not being fair to the child being raised in a lesbian household. My partner always wanted children. We went through two years of therapy together to try to resolve the issue. No resolution was really reached except I more or less resigned myself to the fact that she was going to try regardless. She tried three times with my help and was unsuccessful. At the doctor’s office it was successful, resulting in one miscarriage and one pregnancy. Our daughter was born in 1998, and we’re both very happy. It is clear that the decision to become parents was not made lightly by these parents. A great deal of thought and discussion Creating a Family / 89 had been undertaken prior to their making the final decision. Participants often spoke about their concerns, even prior to having children, about the impact of having gay or lesbian parents on their children. Many cited a lifelong desire to become parents and a long wait until they were fully prepared to begin the process. In some cases, one partner was more invested in becoming a parent than the other. In such cases, it took some time for the second partner to make the commitment to parenthood, as well. After deciding to become parents, the next step was deciding how to become parents. For gay or lesbian couples who have made the decision to become parents, the issue of how they will accomplish their goal is a complex one. Those who wish to become biological parents must determine (in the case of two women) which one of them will become pregnant; whether they will use a known or an unknown sperm donor; and, if they use a known donor, how much contact he will have with the child. For men, the issue of which one will be the biological father is coupled with the task of locating a woman willing to be a surrogate and navigating the legalities surrounding that arrangement. The other possibility for gay men and lesbians is to become parents through adoption. This method has difficulties of its own. Many adoption agencies refuse to work with gay or lesbian couples. Foreign adoption, in general, is not something that gay men or lesbians can pursue openly as a couple-generally , one member of the couple presents him- or herself as a single person who wishes to adopt. In many cases, the...