Mr. and Mrs. Dog: Our Travels, Trials, Adventures, and Epiphanies

The Trainer’s Trainer

37 TheTrainer’sTrainer I won’t refuse to train any dog.—Tony Ancheta M ost dogs like to be fondled by total strangers about as much as most humans do. But like humans, dogs can be trained to tolerate fondling and some learn to seek it. Every species has its “happy hookers,” and before her first literary event I’d hoped June might be such a one. June had her literary inauguration at eighteen months old when I gave a reading in a southwest Virginia library. While I recited my peerless prose June schmoozed the audience. She was maybe too devoted to her work. June wouldn’t give it a rest. The event organizers had offered to put us up at (a) a motel or (b) a “little farmhouse in the country.” I’d pictured an old­timey, slightly run­ down, white frame Virginia farmhouse with a lumpy bed for me but lots of outdoors where June could sniff her sniffs and empty. The simple farmhouse, alas, turned out to be a posh rustic lodge, one of those getaways where businessmen meet to strategize, beat drums, and bond Accounting with Human Resources. Nobody lived in the place. Its owner’s hobby, my guide told me, was buying such houses and fixing them up. “My,” I remarked. The place had been Martha­Stewarted to the nines. Every tchotchke complimented a tchotchke across the room and nothing was in poor or dubious taste. A caribou head hung above the huge stone fireplace where the perfect fire flickered. “Oh,” I said stupidly. “The owner hunts.” “Oh no,” my guide explained. “He borrowed it.” Meanwhile June, who is reliably housebroken, slipped into the bedroom and chose a perfect white shag carpet for her perfect smelly dump. So much for my happy hooker. 38 mr. and mrs. dog Not long afterwards, June and I met Tony Ancheta at a dog train­ ers’ gathering where Tony was handed an intractable problem. Two Dober­ man Pinscher gyps loathed each other. The two battled so ferociously their owner couldn’t leave them in the same room. In the car, if their dog crates were near, they’d bloody their gums on the wires trying to get at each other. Tony is powerfully built and seems bigger than he is. He has an un­ nerving capacity for total stillness and his body never says one single thing he doesn’t mean. With dogs he is precise and nimble. Imagine a nimble fireplug. Tony asked for helper dogs and I volunteered June. Tony stood the more aggressive Doberman on a three­foot­high groom­ ing table and waited quietly beside while the volunteer dogs—and her hated rival—paraded by. June hadn’t a clue what was going on but trot­ ted along like a good sport. Tony lowered the table a notch and asked the helper dogs to pick up the pace. He lowered the table to ground level. Just once, when the offending Dobie looked as if she just might be considering a move, Tony shouted “Out!” June flinched but kept trotting. The aggressive Doberman froze. Dog problem? What dog problem? As soon as Tony Ancheta picked up that Doberman’s lead, the “intractable” dog problem was solved. Manydogtrainerswon’ttrain“aggressive,”aka“extremelyreactive,”dogs —dogs that have attacked humans or other dogs. Glad you asked why. Suppose you’re a pet dog trainer in, say, Duluth. Middle of the night your phone rings and a desperate owner pleads: “Ani­ mal control has Spike. They’re going to kill Spike!” Since you’ve trained dogs for years, here’s what you know before you first lay eyes on Spike. The owner has no idea who Spike is or what Spike needs. He probably believesthatfordogs,loveconquersall—somehow,sometime.Theowner’s in denial. This isn’t the first time Spike has nailed a human, nor the second time, nor even the third; this is the first time he got caught at it. Spike’s human family may be dysfunctional. Probably the family is physically un­ healthy, never exercises, and has inconsistent routines. You, the experienced dog trainer, can probably reform Spike’s wicked The Trainer’s Trainer 39 ways. But what will happen when you return Spike to the environment with the humans who produced those problems? And who gets sued if after you’ve trained Spike, a day, a month, a year from now, Spike kills or disfigures...