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114 Chapter 5 Women’s Chosen Relationships and Their Role in Self-Redefinition Rates of marriage are low in the low-income African American communities from which most of the women in this study came, and marriage is less central to the expectations and sense of self of many (Collins 2000; 2005; Edin and Kefalas 2005). This was evident among these women as well. Marriage was a stated goal of only a few of the women, and many avoided or minimized romantic relationships. Some would have liked to be in a romantic relationship or marriage,but saw this as a distant goal to achieve after they accomplished their goals of self-sufficiency, careers, and family. Romantic relationships and friends were both also implicated in twelve-step messages to avoid people, places, and things related to their offending. Unlike their approach to family relationships , many of the women learned and embraced the goal of “knifing oneself off” from past romantic partners and friends.Although they sometimes struggled with these decisions,they were typically more willing to follow these recommendations and expectations with romantic partners and friends than with family. In addition, incarceration, the time at the Mercy Home, and changed lifestyles were natural disruptions to relationships that were often less permanent. At the same time, some women did continue long-term romantic relationships or develop new relationships with friends and romantic partners. Many of the people in these new relationships had similar histories. At the Mercy Home, the women were introduced to other women with whom they had shared experiences. Others they were exposed to, through participation in selfhelp programs,housing programs,neighborhoods,and jobs,most often included large numbers of people with backgrounds of criminal involvement, incarceration , and drug use.They were taught, and experienced, the value of peer support , and these networks provided both support and potential for relapse. Romantic Partners Like family, romantic partners are strongly implicated in women’s pathways to offending, their desistance and reentry efforts, and their sense of self. Women’s Chosen Relationships and Their Role in Self-Redefinition 115 Over a quarter (29 percent) of the women directly attributed their current or former drug use, relapse, or offending to relationships with romantic partners. Approximately half of the women in this study reported being in abusive relationships with romantic partners at some point (see also Richie 1996). Several of the women described these relationships as “kill or be killed.”The father of one of Danielle’s children abused Danielle, and later served a long-term prison sentence for beating another woman. Sheila suffered from “broken nose, broken bones, ankles, and stuff” at the hands of her common-law husband of twenty-six years. She went to the hospital repeatedly, though she lied about how she got hurt. She described her history with him: “It’s been so many times it’s uncountable. Because people used to even tell me if I killed him I don’t think I woulda even went to jail, you know. . . . He said he would kill me first before he’d let me be with somebody else. But, actually we got into drugs.The drugs gave him more courage or what, but actually, ten or twelve years I lived in fear of him.”The “one time [she] had the courage,” she poured boiling water on him. Still, she never thought of leaving him. EJ said she was abused by her husband “whenever he felt like it,” until she finally left him.“I had been leaving off and on. On Thanksgiving 1997, I got up from the table, went to my mom’s, and never went back.” Abra and her girlfriends physically assaulted each other. Shorty D said that while she never endured abusive situations for long, they “come with getting high.” Mary had several abusive relationships during her addiction,but she also said,“I did a whole lot of being abusive myself. I used to like to fight.”The abuse the women endured ranged from single incidents to long-term physical and emotional abuse. Many of the women stayed in these relationships, which were often with the fathers of their children, for long periods. Both the Mercy Home and twelve-step programs strongly discourage romantic relationships, particularly in the early stages of recovery. “No sex” was one of the halfway house rules, and administrative staff saw romantic relationships as the biggest cause of relapse and reoffending among women. Staff discouraged “fraternizing” between men and women, though socializing was common when...

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