Rethinking Childhood

Chapter 10: Children of Divorce

170 JAN PRYOR AND ROBERT E. EMERY 170 Children of Divorce Chapter 10 JAN PRYOR ROBERT E. EMERY CHILDREN’S VOICES, AS THEY talk about families and what they mean, are being increasingly heard as it is realized that they have something both important and unique to say. Several factors have contributed to an increasing sensitivity to their voices. One is a radical change in views of childhood, most recently articulated by sociologists of childhood (see for example Archard 1993; James and Richards 1999). Allied with this change is a focus on the history of childhood by historians and historiographers who have illuminated the radically different and changing ways in which children and childhood have been constructed (Cunningham 1995; de Mause 1974). The twentieth century was, indeed, characterized as the century of the child, to the extent that some children became “emotionally priceless” to their parents (see, for example, Beck and BeckGernsheim 1995; Cunningham 1995). Today, adults no longer have children in order to provide for them in their old age; on the contrary, children are significant economic liabilities. This status is offset by their psychological value. They are sources of emotional sustenance to their parents, priceless beyond tangible measure; in this sense, parents are as dependent on their children as children are on them. “Sons and daughters are supposed to help the parents achieve their goal of being spontaneous, sensual, uninhibited and creative personalities. It is not the parents raising their children but conversely the children raising their parents. In the truest sense of the word, sons and daughters embody their parents ’ ego-ideal” (Bopp 1984, 70, cited in Beck and Beck-Gernsheim 1995, 107). In Chapter 14, Alice Hearst points out that a further impetus for taking children seriously is the recognition of their legal rights—for example through the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC). If, as this convention insists, children have the right to participate in decisions affecting Children of Divorce 171 their lives, then we must listen seriously to them and take their views into account when making decisions on their behalf. Although the CRC has not been ratified by the United States, it has been by almost all other countries, and it is having a fundamental influence on how children and their rights are viewed. Paradoxically, when families undergo change, children are rarely given the chance to tell adults what they think and feel about these major issues in their lives (Dunn et al. 2001; Neugebauer 1989; Smith et al. 1997). We tend to make decisions for children with too little consideration of their point of view, assuming that especially young children do not have views or that, if they do, there are good reasons why their voices are better not heard. The received view is that children are not able to say anything sensible until about the age of twelve. And although the majority of states have statutes requiring the consideration of children’s views in deciding what their best interests are at divorce (as Barbara Woodhouse points out in Chapter 13), they need to be of “sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an intelligent preference” (Jones 1984). We can detect the irony in this position when we consider the power that children’s voices have in the day-to-day lives of families. Children are encouraged to be articulate, to express opinions on everything from bedroom décor to world events, and to be independent. Families have become, by and large, democratic units allowing considerable participation by all members. Yet when it comes to questions of family change, we often deny children rights to express their opinions . Why? Part of the answer may lie in the powerful emotions that swirl around when families break up. Adults commonly experience guilt, anger, grief, and rejection , and they are aware of the potential impact of their divorce on their children. To ask children what they are feeling, then, is to run the risk of feeling rejected should they express a desire to live with the other parent and of guilt should they speak of their distress and bewilderment. It is then often easier not to ask. Another reason may be the widely held “caretaker” view of children, the view that they should be allowed to be children and should be protected from grown-up issues. Allied with this view is the belief that they are incapable of understanding adult issues and that even if they are not...