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146 7 Taking Care of Yourself I feel tired when I go out and, you know, all I wanna be is in the house. I’m not like before that I used to be running here and running there, and you know, now it’s like, I wanna be comfortable, you know, in the house, in my house. Not in nobody’s house. Not like before I used to do, like to get up and get dressed and open the door and go out and go shopping, and go walking here and walking there. Now, no more. So then when I’m back I’m a mess. My feet hurt, my body is all aching. Alicia For Alicia and her cohort, HIV meant an increase in the demands of daily living. Families still had to be cared for; households still had to be run; and, as noted previously, women often supported HIV-positive husbands or partners as well as their children. In addition to these obligations, women now had to make time for ID clinic appointments, specialty care appointments, support group meetings or mental health care appointments, and a daily regimen of pills and remedies. Making sense of these demands was overwhelming. Each woman found herself sifting through them, trying to determine what was necessary, what was worth exploring, and what was untenable. The way in which each woman approached her postdiagnosis life was directly related to the range of cultural and social capital on which she could draw. Women with average cultural capital were more likely to conserve their energy whenever possible. They cut back on what they expected themselves to do, reduced travel, and prioritized rest. Often, their low energy levels made it even harder to take advantage of resources and allies. This group of women sometimes preferred to focus on home remedies over clinic visits, as in the case of Carlotta and Luchita. Their participation level was lower than that of their counterparts with broader cultural capital; they were more likely to complain of chronic symptoms and side effects. Women with average capital were also more likely than their peers to drop treatments—even helpful ones—because the energy required to maintain them proved overwhelming. Women with broad cultural-capital toolkits did not follow this pattern. They rarely complained of low energy levels. Instead of slowing down, they TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF 147 added new projects to their lives: investigating a wide range of home-based treatments, exploring new CAM therapies, and looking for previously overlooked strategies to improve their health. And because they aggressively sought out anything they thought could help them, they occasionally pushed themselves to the point of exhaustion; these women were more likely to experience periodic acute episodes requiring hospitalization. Women with broad capital were more likely to continue using their chosen treatments until either the benefits diminished or a better approach was found. They were less likely to drop treatments that helped them because of low energy levels. Finally, they were more likely to adhere to home-based and CAM treatment plans consistently over time than were women with average capital, but they refused to slow down and rest. Compelled to Rest I almost always try to lie down, to lie down and be comfortable. Or sitting comfortably, but preferably lying down. Carlotta Bed rest, or extended periods of inactivity, was very important to women with average capital. They often told me that resting could strengthen the immune system and reduce both the frequency and the acuteness of symptoms. Increased sleep was credited with rejuvenating powers, as was staying home for long periods. This was believed to cut down on emotional and physical stress and gradually build up strength, although several women acknowledged that it could also be a sign of depression. Those who reported frequent, wrenching fatigue tended to downplay or ignore the latter view, however. Alicia, who landed somewhere between those with average capital and those with broader capital, also held these beliefs. Women with broader capital strenuously rejected the power of bed rest. They believed in lingering at home only when symptoms were acute. They said they felt best when interacting with others, usually through socializing, volunteering, or working. They usually argued that isolation made them feel worse, not better. I sometimes witnessed arguments between women in this group and their partners or older children about the wisdom of resting at home. Nini described one such argument it this way: “I had another argument with Justicio [her boyfriend], a...

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